22:38pm
I guess you could say weekends are the worst. The worst for thinking time & those worries to surface. All week they seem to stay at bay but the minute you are away from work & have any time to yourself they seem to hit you like a bus. You can't help but question what they are doing, or who they are with even though you know in your own mind you have no right to say so.
You know you can't mention that feeling or thought to anyone because they will think the same as the rest of it, "it is what it is" let it be. But that's easy for someone to say when they aren't the ones left with those feelings & emotions in their heads. They aren't the ones who have to question everyday went happened, what did you do wrong? why did they do what they did? But thing is now I guess you will never know. If someone blocks you, pretends like you don't exist & like nothing even happened what can you do? Nothing... You just have to try & do the same & carry on like nothing happened but... It's not that simple. You actually liked them, they actually made you feel content & happy & that's something you haven't had in such a long time especially with the recent dark times you have suffered. So to let someone in is a rarity. You thought they were different & over time you actually cared about them & their wellbeing so much you'd actually do anything to keep them in your life & to have them back & fix what went wrong.
To others you now show or try to show you don't care. Life is good without them & you carry on about your everyday but inside you want to scream & fight your way back to that person. Because you miss them like hell. You miss their laugh,voice, cuddles, kisses, holding their hand & waking up next to them. Just seeing them makes your day & being around them makes you feel so content & at ease. Around them you feel comfortable. It just makes sense. That's the kind of thing in your eyes you shouldn't just give up on & throw away but there is only so much you can try with someone. No matter how much you want to fight for them you just can't go on that way forever. But when someone just gives up on you for no reason what do you do? Because that hurts like hell.
Missing someone is the hardest thing. It's the longing for someone & wanting to see them. But it's worse when you know you won't anymore & someone else might be getting to. You find yourself listening to the songs they liked & sung just because it reminds you of them, or watching the programmes you watched together just because it was with them. You can't help but have everything remind you of them.
Life is unfair & you never get what you want.
You have to hope things change over time & he will come back. Whatever's meant to be will find its way. But whatever happens don't lose faith.
Love Lottie xox
19:49pm
Friendship is one of the most important things in our lives and Huggle has asked me to make a list/write about what I think makes a good friend. Huggle is a social app which helps you to discover and connect with people who go to the places you go. It’s a wonderful app for making friends and meeting like-minded people. You can download it here."
To me friendship is something we cannot live without! At times people say I'm okay on my own but truth is none of us actually are okay on our own no matter how much of a strong person you are at times in your life you always need your friends & family. No matter how stubborn you are & I am one stubborn person myself.
Friendship is a two way thing. If there is only one person working on the friendship then it will never work. In my eyes you both have to put effort in, in order for the friendship to remain & grow. After all what's the point wasting time on someone who isn't prepared to put the effort in for you?
To me my friends have always played such a huge part in my life & I truly feel blessed to have the friends that I do. I wouldn't say I have a huge network of friends but the ones I do have are the best support structure & best people I could ask for. To me my friends are not just my friends but my girls feel like more sisters to me. That's the way friendship should be. An extended family.
At times my friends are tested. Especially in the past. I'm not ashamed to admit but some months ago I went through a very dark place. I suffered terribly with severe depression & severe anxiety & yes I admit when I go through those phases I can be a nightmare & often require extra support. I had to have time away from work to get myself back on track & also went through counselling & therapy to get myself back to a suitable place. Through those months not once did my friends turn their backs on me. Through every dark moment, struggle, hardship, tears, argument, screams they all took my hand & helped guide me along the path back to normality. They all, each & everyone brought me back to the light. For that I cannot thank them enough because without them I don't know what I would of done. Any moment of the day or even night they were there to pick me back up & let me know it was going to be okay when I thought it wasn't going to be. They would spend time with me to occupy me, sit with me in silence if I needed to, anything just so I knew I wasn't alone & that's important because in that selfish, dark place you forever feel all alone even when you aren't.
I owe lot to my friends, because to me they are my rocks & that's an important part of friendship. Having someone to lean on & hold your hand when you need that someone to help get you through. Having such a strong support structure is what helped get me through & that's one of the blessings of friendships. Even through those moments they never once judge you or turn their backs on you when some people do. A true friend is someone you can truly trust.
Spending time with friends & doing the things you love. Having quality time together are those moments you will forever treasure. Because they are the moments
no matter what happens people cannot take away from you. Never forget that. They are the moments friends make you laugh even when you want to cry. They make you smile & laugh uncontrollable amounts.
People may all have a different definition of friendship but to me friends are like an extended family. Your support structure, the people who make you laugh but can at times make you cry, they are your rock, your pick me ups, your sisters, your blessings, your comfort zones, your best memories are made with these people, these are your life...
So never ever take them for granted,
Be sure to tell them how much you
appreciate them & once you find those amazing friends never let them go!
Remember never take those true ones for granted.
I'd love to hear your thoughts & what you think
makes a good friend.
Take care
Love Lottie xox
22:19pm
I'm sorry, I'm sorry for pain & hurt they put you through. For the amount of tears you cried for them only to find they were not phased in the slightest about you. I'm sorry they made you question all the times you had together. All those moments that to you were happy moments but now you only see as sad. You question their feelings & actions but worst of all they got you questioning your worth. No one should make you feel that. Those moments where you feel so insignificant.
I'm sorry for the time you spent on them even though to you time with them was the best thing because moments with them made you happy. But not the time you spent wondering what you had done to be ignored, made to feel like crap & the time you spent your tears on them.
I'm sorry they become selfish while you was always so giving & caring towards them. You couldn't of done enough for them. Don't ever question them. For once it is true it is them & not you. So please believe it! I'm sorry they ended up putting themselves before you & seemed to forget about your existence & that funny enough you have feelings...
I'm sorry you're now left with all those reminders of them. The songs, the television programmes, the films, the food, all those things that you see as now a reminder of them that to others means nothing but to you so much.
I'm sorry you let your guard down. That you let them in & that you cared for someone who didn't seem to care about you or at least didn't when they hurt you.
I know you're looking for answers to your questions but rarely do you get them. You can rattle your brain & drive yourself crazy but you will never know those answers unless they open up to you & if they choose to block you out then there is just no way. You can spend your time going over & over it in your mind but unless they tell you there truly is no logic to what they did. They probably don't ever know themselves why they did what they did.
Just remember NO you didn't deserve it! No one deserves that. The pain you felt was real & in time it will heal. It will take time but remember there is no time limit to it. It may take weeks, months, or even years but either way there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone heals differently & no person is the same. There is no right, there is no wrong. I know a connection is never easily just forgotten... You do what you have to do & remember you are never alone. You will always have someone right by your side. Believe them when they say they do understand because chances are they have been through something similar & someone made them feel just like you do now... So surround yourselves with those true friends, your caring family members & just remember no matter what you will never be alone. Even at times when you feel so alone you never are.
So remain as strong as you can. Do those things that make you smile everyday even if it's just for a short space of time. Spend time with your loved ones, don't shut yourself away from them. Hiding away doesn't help you. It just makes you feel more withdrawn from the world. Do things that you can channel your emotions into don't ever bottle things up. There is nothing more unhealthy than not talking about things & shutting yourself off.
More importantly remember you are beautiful & don't ever let yourself or anyone else tell you any different.
"& once the storm is over you won't remember how you it made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out the storm you won't be the same person that walked in."
Love Lottie xox
19:53pm
Dear you,
Where have you run away to? Wherever you are please can I run to you in order to find you? Because without having you around my everyday just isn't the same.
People can say how can something so short effect you so so much, how can you become attached to someone so fast. The answer is because it is you...
You was the person that appeared in my life out of the blue when I at least expected it. After recently getting myself back from a dark place you walked in & I fell. Just when I wasn't looking for anyone you showed me that I do, I need & want you around.
Then as quick as you entered my life it was like you wanted to leave. Just when things were going so well it come crashing down on me. You changed. You turned into a person I didn't recognise anymore. I protected you from other people & their thoughts & opinions of the whole thing & never once did I listen to people when they said there isn't something right about this. Maybe I needed to listen but as always I followed my own heart & we know where that lead....
It was like someone switched a switch on you & one click of that switch & you changed your mind on the whole thing. It wasn't what you needed at the moment & that was that. No room for discussion, no explanation & to me that's the worst thing anyone can ever do. Wanting to leave but yet not give a valid explanation as to why? I think since that day I've drove my mind crazy trying to work out why & what did I do? But I guess that's something not even you seem to know it seems. You'd never let on & always run when the going got tough. For once I just wanted someone to be honest with me. But I guess that was too hard for you.
People say someone who isn’t putting in the effort that you need from them, isn’t afraid of losing you. So why was I afraid of losing you?
I could punch myself right now for how you've made me feel. For how insignificant I currently feel, how my mind is full of so many questions & confusion all that YOU caused me. But I will tell you the worst part the heartache. Letting myself become fond of a person who had no intention of wanting to stay & pursue it. The kind of pain that leaves another scar just like any other. The scar that I thought had healed when you entered only to find the wound being ripped back open over time....
When I told people about you I never left out how much you used to make me smile, just how content I felt around you, how comfortable & happy I was. 5 minutes in your company & my face could light up any room. That's just the effect you have. But I bet when you tell people about me you'll miss out all the good parts. You'll tell them how clingy, demanding, insecure & annoying I got at the end. But they'll never know the confusing things that went on & just how hot & cold you blew. That part you'll leave out won't you?
I'm now left with even the smallest reminders of you. From songs, to food to places. Wherever I go there is a reminder. A constant reminder jumping out & hitting me in the face!
I guess your needs were more important than mine & honesty was a tough thing. Honest answers I don't think I was ever going to get when you didn't even know yourself what was going on in your head.
I guess I never should of let you in & let my guard down so soon. I never should of been so content so soon but that's just how you made me feel & that I could not change. But my problem is I care too much. Way too much. I know I have a good heart & that sometimes can be my weakness. But it doesn't mean people should punish me for it.
I hoped & prayed that things would change & that you'd soon realise but you didn't. You just pushed me away more & walked away without a care. I don't think you realise just how this feels & you're lucky to not have to know. But you wouldn't because you just don't care enough about me like I do you & I guess that's just the thing.
I question was our good times even real? Were those all fake smiles? Fake laughs? Were you pretending all those times we were together to be happy around me? To be happy in my company? To be told it feels like we've known each other longer I would say you was but maybe I'm wrong. Right now I don't know what's real & what's not....
When you're alone & you've got no one with you just remember how
things were. How someone actually cared about you, tried to put you first, enjoyed your company, tried to make you happy & I can promise you no one will fit that bill more than me. But for you I guess it
was just too much, too suffocating....
Love Lottie xox
Sometimes you say things you dont mean,You argue with the ones you truly care about & wouldnt want to even begin to imagine your life without them.You drive away the ones you cherish & adore by sometimes becoming to needy towards them.With some they become like a comfort zone to you.You perhapes rely on them too much & get used to having them there to talk to everyday.Someone to make you smile.Make you laugh.Someone you hear from & just by talking to them it brightens up your day.There voice is comforting to hear even if they are miles away cos at that momment it seems like they couldnt be any closer to you.They can be the people that perhapes you once shared a unique closeness to but in which in time you only had it fall apart & from that momment in time everything changed the way in which things appeared.
It's from that momment that you learned that:
-Promises can be made & not always stuck too.They shouldnt be made if they arent intended to be
carried out but also just try to remember loved intentions are always the best ones even if at
the time you dont see it like that,even if they do end up broken.Those intentions came from a
good place & were meant for the best even if they dont seem clear to us at that momment in time.
People are only human & everyone makes mistakes no one in this life is pixie-perfect.
-Learn to NEVER take anyone for granted & try to hold them close cos to lose them & set them free would mean a dramatic change in life & its ways.
-You can be hurt by someone badly more than once but never anytime does it get easier or any less painful.Its something that can seem unbearable at that time & makes you feel as though things wont be the same between you again.But times a healer & things do get better in time even if at the time you cant even begin to see that.Time is perhapes one of the worst things & gets you sometimes in thinking that you are just wasting precious time that you cannot get back but someone who is in which worth it will be worth wasting that time on thats just something you need to decide for yourself.Who is worth your precious time & who isnt? None the less remain positive & dont lose faith in the matter cos if you lose that little bit of faith then you have nothing.
-No matter what you are going through life carries on regardless & you have to learn to stand on your own two feet because if you rely on someone else & they leave you then you have to learn the hard way so its best to learn it for yourself while you go through life after all you can only trust yourself at times & only you know what is best for you.It can be hard to stand on your own two feet if you have always had people around for you to lean on but those who havent,havent been as fortunate as some.It's hard but whatever is easy in this life today?Nothing.
-Follow things in life & observe its teachings,true meanings & lessons after all life is one big learning curve & an adventure.No-one gets out alive in this life so why take it too seriously?
-Learn from your mistakes & dont repeat them.
-Never take people for granted.Cherish the momments & memories that you in which shared with them.
-Never see someone perfectly cos there will come a time when they will only shatter that illusion.
-People can hurt you unintentionally or on purpose everyone has there ways some just choose to follow bad ways but they will hopefully begin to learn someday after all karma is a bitch & what goes around comes around.
-Surround yourself with people who geniuely care about you.Want to help guide you.Support you.Give you a hand to hold onto when you need it the most after all if the roles were reversed
they'd want you at there side.The ones who show no care in the world are the "untrue" ones & ones who wont make your world go around.
-Things are NEVER easy & things never stay the same.Things change all the time we just never notice it or at times choose to over-look it.
-Missing that special person can be heartaching & take its toll on you.But absense only makes the heart grow stronger.You have to pace yourself after all whatevers meant to be will find a way <3
Never give up hope & when you believe theres not even the smallest bit of hope remaining then thats the time to learn to let go its devasting but not a impossible task.
-Be weary who you give your heart too after all some just might take disadvantage of it but to some it wont be just another toy.
-You can learn alot from the ones you love & they also help you to grow as a person.So take every chance to tell the ones that you adore,cherish & think the world of what they mean to you cos you never know when it might be too late & they are no longer in your reach.
-You can sorry repeatedly but never does this always solve things.After all you can say sorry & not mean it.It can be overused & the word can lose its meaning that little bit more everytime.You have to learn that sorry cannot always fix things that are that badly damaged its the actions that you carry out with that word sorry that also add to its effect.
-Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is really worth fighting for.So you have to keep on fighting for what you want after all it shows people how much you truly want someone as you are prepared to do anything & not let anyone get in the way of what you want.
-Believe in karma cos people that do bad things should suffer the consquences & deserve to learn perhapes even more than others should.
-What you give & what you put into something is what you get returned.Okay it doesn't always work out like that as you can put everything into something & not get in back in return but the majority of the time whatever you put in you will get back out of something or someone.
-You can't appreciate real love until you've been burned.Everyone goes through heartbreak in life & it will always be more than once in which we feel it.Its a part of life sadly & no one can run from it cos where ever you try to run to it will always find you.
-Just because someone is beautiful doesn't mean they don't do ugly things.
If your believe you arent pretty doesn't mean people don't think you have the beauty of a flower.
Just because people are loud doesn't mean they dont hate silences.
Just because people are quiet doesn't mean they dont have nothing to say.
Just because people are happy all the time doesn't mean they never cry themselves to sleep.
Just because people are unhappy doesn't mean they can never be happy again.
Just because people think it'll never happen, it just might...
Love Lottie xo
