19:53pm
Dear you,
Where have you run away to? Wherever you are please can I run to you in order to find you? Because without having you around my everyday just isn't the same.
People can say how can something so short effect you so so much, how can you become attached to someone so fast. The answer is because it is you...
You was the person that appeared in my life out of the blue when I at least expected it. After recently getting myself back from a dark place you walked in & I fell. Just when I wasn't looking for anyone you showed me that I do, I need & want you around.
Then as quick as you entered my life it was like you wanted to leave. Just when things were going so well it come crashing down on me. You changed. You turned into a person I didn't recognise anymore. I protected you from other people & their thoughts & opinions of the whole thing & never once did I listen to people when they said there isn't something right about this. Maybe I needed to listen but as always I followed my own heart & we know where that lead....
It was like someone switched a switch on you & one click of that switch & you changed your mind on the whole thing. It wasn't what you needed at the moment & that was that. No room for discussion, no explanation & to me that's the worst thing anyone can ever do. Wanting to leave but yet not give a valid explanation as to why? I think since that day I've drove my mind crazy trying to work out why & what did I do? But I guess that's something not even you seem to know it seems. You'd never let on & always run when the going got tough. For once I just wanted someone to be honest with me. But I guess that was too hard for you.
People say someone who isn’t putting in the effort that you need from them, isn’t afraid of losing you. So why was I afraid of losing you?
I could punch myself right now for how you've made me feel. For how insignificant I currently feel, how my mind is full of so many questions & confusion all that YOU caused me. But I will tell you the worst part the heartache. Letting myself become fond of a person who had no intention of wanting to stay & pursue it. The kind of pain that leaves another scar just like any other. The scar that I thought had healed when you entered only to find the wound being ripped back open over time....
When I told people about you I never left out how much you used to make me smile, just how content I felt around you, how comfortable & happy I was. 5 minutes in your company & my face could light up any room. That's just the effect you have. But I bet when you tell people about me you'll miss out all the good parts. You'll tell them how clingy, demanding, insecure & annoying I got at the end. But they'll never know the confusing things that went on & just how hot & cold you blew. That part you'll leave out won't you?
I'm now left with even the smallest reminders of you. From songs, to food to places. Wherever I go there is a reminder. A constant reminder jumping out & hitting me in the face!
I guess your needs were more important than mine & honesty was a tough thing. Honest answers I don't think I was ever going to get when you didn't even know yourself what was going on in your head.
I guess I never should of let you in & let my guard down so soon. I never should of been so content so soon but that's just how you made me feel & that I could not change. But my problem is I care too much. Way too much. I know I have a good heart & that sometimes can be my weakness. But it doesn't mean people should punish me for it.
I hoped & prayed that things would change & that you'd soon realise but you didn't. You just pushed me away more & walked away without a care. I don't think you realise just how this feels & you're lucky to not have to know. But you wouldn't because you just don't care enough about me like I do you & I guess that's just the thing.
I question was our good times even real? Were those all fake smiles? Fake laughs? Were you pretending all those times we were together to be happy around me? To be happy in my company? To be told it feels like we've known each other longer I would say you was but maybe I'm wrong. Right now I don't know what's real & what's not....
When you're alone & you've got no one with you just remember how
things were. How someone actually cared about you, tried to put you first, enjoyed your company, tried to make you happy & I can promise you no one will fit that bill more than me. But for you I guess it
was just too much, too suffocating....
Love Lottie xox
Sometimes you say things you dont mean,You argue with the ones you truly care about & wouldnt want to even begin to imagine your life without them.You drive away the ones you cherish & adore by sometimes becoming to needy towards them.With some they become like a comfort zone to you.You perhapes rely on them too much & get used to having them there to talk to everyday.Someone to make you smile.Make you laugh.Someone you hear from & just by talking to them it brightens up your day.There voice is comforting to hear even if they are miles away cos at that momment it seems like they couldnt be any closer to you.They can be the people that perhapes you once shared a unique closeness to but in which in time you only had it fall apart & from that momment in time everything changed the way in which things appeared.
It's from that momment that you learned that:
-Promises can be made & not always stuck too.They shouldnt be made if they arent intended to be
carried out but also just try to remember loved intentions are always the best ones even if at
the time you dont see it like that,even if they do end up broken.Those intentions came from a
good place & were meant for the best even if they dont seem clear to us at that momment in time.
People are only human & everyone makes mistakes no one in this life is pixie-perfect.
-Learn to NEVER take anyone for granted & try to hold them close cos to lose them & set them free would mean a dramatic change in life & its ways.
-You can be hurt by someone badly more than once but never anytime does it get easier or any less painful.Its something that can seem unbearable at that time & makes you feel as though things wont be the same between you again.But times a healer & things do get better in time even if at the time you cant even begin to see that.Time is perhapes one of the worst things & gets you sometimes in thinking that you are just wasting precious time that you cannot get back but someone who is in which worth it will be worth wasting that time on thats just something you need to decide for yourself.Who is worth your precious time & who isnt? None the less remain positive & dont lose faith in the matter cos if you lose that little bit of faith then you have nothing.
-No matter what you are going through life carries on regardless & you have to learn to stand on your own two feet because if you rely on someone else & they leave you then you have to learn the hard way so its best to learn it for yourself while you go through life after all you can only trust yourself at times & only you know what is best for you.It can be hard to stand on your own two feet if you have always had people around for you to lean on but those who havent,havent been as fortunate as some.It's hard but whatever is easy in this life today?Nothing.
-Follow things in life & observe its teachings,true meanings & lessons after all life is one big learning curve & an adventure.No-one gets out alive in this life so why take it too seriously?
-Learn from your mistakes & dont repeat them.
-Never take people for granted.Cherish the momments & memories that you in which shared with them.
-Never see someone perfectly cos there will come a time when they will only shatter that illusion.
-People can hurt you unintentionally or on purpose everyone has there ways some just choose to follow bad ways but they will hopefully begin to learn someday after all karma is a bitch & what goes around comes around.
-Surround yourself with people who geniuely care about you.Want to help guide you.Support you.Give you a hand to hold onto when you need it the most after all if the roles were reversed
they'd want you at there side.The ones who show no care in the world are the "untrue" ones & ones who wont make your world go around.
-Things are NEVER easy & things never stay the same.Things change all the time we just never notice it or at times choose to over-look it.
-Missing that special person can be heartaching & take its toll on you.But absense only makes the heart grow stronger.You have to pace yourself after all whatevers meant to be will find a way <3
Never give up hope & when you believe theres not even the smallest bit of hope remaining then thats the time to learn to let go its devasting but not a impossible task.
-Be weary who you give your heart too after all some just might take disadvantage of it but to some it wont be just another toy.
-You can learn alot from the ones you love & they also help you to grow as a person.So take every chance to tell the ones that you adore,cherish & think the world of what they mean to you cos you never know when it might be too late & they are no longer in your reach.
-You can sorry repeatedly but never does this always solve things.After all you can say sorry & not mean it.It can be overused & the word can lose its meaning that little bit more everytime.You have to learn that sorry cannot always fix things that are that badly damaged its the actions that you carry out with that word sorry that also add to its effect.
-Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is really worth fighting for.So you have to keep on fighting for what you want after all it shows people how much you truly want someone as you are prepared to do anything & not let anyone get in the way of what you want.
-Believe in karma cos people that do bad things should suffer the consquences & deserve to learn perhapes even more than others should.
-What you give & what you put into something is what you get returned.Okay it doesn't always work out like that as you can put everything into something & not get in back in return but the majority of the time whatever you put in you will get back out of something or someone.
-You can't appreciate real love until you've been burned.Everyone goes through heartbreak in life & it will always be more than once in which we feel it.Its a part of life sadly & no one can run from it cos where ever you try to run to it will always find you.
-Just because someone is beautiful doesn't mean they don't do ugly things.
If your believe you arent pretty doesn't mean people don't think you have the beauty of a flower.
Just because people are loud doesn't mean they dont hate silences.
Just because people are quiet doesn't mean they dont have nothing to say.
Just because people are happy all the time doesn't mean they never cry themselves to sleep.
Just because people are unhappy doesn't mean they can never be happy again.
Just because people think it'll never happen, it just might...
Love Lottie xo
16:21pm
I've always said to myself when times get tough that a one way ticket out of here would be the best thing.
To be able to close your eyes, point to a place on the map & just travel there. A place where no one knows you, knows your past or issues in order to judge you. Somewhere you can just run away & be away from home & run away from it all. But I guess you could say the past week I've learnt no matter how far you run, whether it's 100 miles, or perhaps the other side of the world it doesn't change a thing. Your mind will still think about those same things, it will still miss that one person & it doesn't change the way you see them or the situation. So what is the point? It may help you feel abit more refreshed but you will return home & those same feelings are still there. You can't just choose to go to a place & those feelings & emotions just disappear. It truly doesn't quite work like that. But life would be easier if you could!
Well I've found that it doesn't... A week in Oxford has been pretty picturesque though. The countryside is beautiful. Just to simply walk through it & let it take your mind off things can help for a short while. The views are lovely & I've caught abit of sun & read more of my books so I can't complain there.
So why when things get tough do we choose to run & try to hide from it?
I think that's a question no one can really a answer...
When you miss someone you feel like it consumes you. You miss even the smallest things that person did. You miss the way they smile, giggle & more importantly the feeling they made you feel just by them being in your presence. You have that person there & you feel like nothing else matters at that time because there is no where else you'd rather be than next to them. You question how someone can make you feel like that when no one else has. You ask yourself over & over what the hell did I do to make you turn around & walk off in the opposite direction? No matter what you do you just ask yourself questions & hope one day you'll find those answers wherever they may be... You don't get how someone can just change their mind like that & go back on everything they've ever said to you. To change their actions & just give up the fight. You told yourself not to let your guard down too soon, not to fall too quick but it's true what they say when you know you know & in those moments you just knew. When do you draw the line under something? When do you give up the fight when you know it could be something that's everything you've wanted? How do you show them that it's right & that it's okay to be afraid it's only human. You don't believe in much but you feel like that person came into your life for a reason & not for it to just be this hurt as a reminder... You just have to believe what they say, two people that are meant to be together will eventually find there way back to each other. Please just find your back soon though. I miss you quite terribly.
It's true when they say you never miss a good thing till its gone...
Love Lottie
xox
