22:38pm
I guess you could say weekends are the worst. The worst for thinking time & those worries to surface. All week they seem to stay at bay but the minute you are away from work & have any time to yourself they seem to hit you like a bus. You can't help but question what they are doing, or who they are with even though you know in your own mind you have no right to say so.
You know you can't mention that feeling or thought to anyone because they will think the same as the rest of it, "it is what it is" let it be. But that's easy for someone to say when they aren't the ones left with those feelings & emotions in their heads. They aren't the ones who have to question everyday went happened, what did you do wrong? why did they do what they did? But thing is now I guess you will never know. If someone blocks you, pretends like you don't exist & like nothing even happened what can you do? Nothing... You just have to try & do the same & carry on like nothing happened but... It's not that simple. You actually liked them, they actually made you feel content & happy & that's something you haven't had in such a long time especially with the recent dark times you have suffered. So to let someone in is a rarity. You thought they were different & over time you actually cared about them & their wellbeing so much you'd actually do anything to keep them in your life & to have them back & fix what went wrong.
To others you now show or try to show you don't care. Life is good without them & you carry on about your everyday but inside you want to scream & fight your way back to that person. Because you miss them like hell. You miss their laugh,voice, cuddles, kisses, holding their hand & waking up next to them. Just seeing them makes your day & being around them makes you feel so content & at ease. Around them you feel comfortable. It just makes sense. That's the kind of thing in your eyes you shouldn't just give up on & throw away but there is only so much you can try with someone. No matter how much you want to fight for them you just can't go on that way forever. But when someone just gives up on you for no reason what do you do? Because that hurts like hell.
Missing someone is the hardest thing. It's the longing for someone & wanting to see them. But it's worse when you know you won't anymore & someone else might be getting to. You find yourself listening to the songs they liked & sung just because it reminds you of them, or watching the programmes you watched together just because it was with them. You can't help but have everything remind you of them.
Life is unfair & you never get what you want.
You have to hope things change over time & he will come back. Whatever's meant to be will find its way. But whatever happens don't lose faith.
Love Lottie xox
22:19pm
I'm sorry, I'm sorry for pain & hurt they put you through. For the amount of tears you cried for them only to find they were not phased in the slightest about you. I'm sorry they made you question all the times you had together. All those moments that to you were happy moments but now you only see as sad. You question their feelings & actions but worst of all they got you questioning your worth. No one should make you feel that. Those moments where you feel so insignificant.
I'm sorry for the time you spent on them even though to you time with them was the best thing because moments with them made you happy. But not the time you spent wondering what you had done to be ignored, made to feel like crap & the time you spent your tears on them.
I'm sorry they become selfish while you was always so giving & caring towards them. You couldn't of done enough for them. Don't ever question them. For once it is true it is them & not you. So please believe it! I'm sorry they ended up putting themselves before you & seemed to forget about your existence & that funny enough you have feelings...
I'm sorry you're now left with all those reminders of them. The songs, the television programmes, the films, the food, all those things that you see as now a reminder of them that to others means nothing but to you so much.
I'm sorry you let your guard down. That you let them in & that you cared for someone who didn't seem to care about you or at least didn't when they hurt you.
I know you're looking for answers to your questions but rarely do you get them. You can rattle your brain & drive yourself crazy but you will never know those answers unless they open up to you & if they choose to block you out then there is just no way. You can spend your time going over & over it in your mind but unless they tell you there truly is no logic to what they did. They probably don't ever know themselves why they did what they did.
Just remember NO you didn't deserve it! No one deserves that. The pain you felt was real & in time it will heal. It will take time but remember there is no time limit to it. It may take weeks, months, or even years but either way there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone heals differently & no person is the same. There is no right, there is no wrong. I know a connection is never easily just forgotten... You do what you have to do & remember you are never alone. You will always have someone right by your side. Believe them when they say they do understand because chances are they have been through something similar & someone made them feel just like you do now... So surround yourselves with those true friends, your caring family members & just remember no matter what you will never be alone. Even at times when you feel so alone you never are.
So remain as strong as you can. Do those things that make you smile everyday even if it's just for a short space of time. Spend time with your loved ones, don't shut yourself away from them. Hiding away doesn't help you. It just makes you feel more withdrawn from the world. Do things that you can channel your emotions into don't ever bottle things up. There is nothing more unhealthy than not talking about things & shutting yourself off.
More importantly remember you are beautiful & don't ever let yourself or anyone else tell you any different.
"& once the storm is over you won't remember how you it made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out the storm you won't be the same person that walked in."
Love Lottie xox
19:53pm
Dear you,
Where have you run away to? Wherever you are please can I run to you in order to find you? Because without having you around my everyday just isn't the same.
People can say how can something so short effect you so so much, how can you become attached to someone so fast. The answer is because it is you...
You was the person that appeared in my life out of the blue when I at least expected it. After recently getting myself back from a dark place you walked in & I fell. Just when I wasn't looking for anyone you showed me that I do, I need & want you around.
Then as quick as you entered my life it was like you wanted to leave. Just when things were going so well it come crashing down on me. You changed. You turned into a person I didn't recognise anymore. I protected you from other people & their thoughts & opinions of the whole thing & never once did I listen to people when they said there isn't something right about this. Maybe I needed to listen but as always I followed my own heart & we know where that lead....
It was like someone switched a switch on you & one click of that switch & you changed your mind on the whole thing. It wasn't what you needed at the moment & that was that. No room for discussion, no explanation & to me that's the worst thing anyone can ever do. Wanting to leave but yet not give a valid explanation as to why? I think since that day I've drove my mind crazy trying to work out why & what did I do? But I guess that's something not even you seem to know it seems. You'd never let on & always run when the going got tough. For once I just wanted someone to be honest with me. But I guess that was too hard for you.
People say someone who isn’t putting in the effort that you need from them, isn’t afraid of losing you. So why was I afraid of losing you?
I could punch myself right now for how you've made me feel. For how insignificant I currently feel, how my mind is full of so many questions & confusion all that YOU caused me. But I will tell you the worst part the heartache. Letting myself become fond of a person who had no intention of wanting to stay & pursue it. The kind of pain that leaves another scar just like any other. The scar that I thought had healed when you entered only to find the wound being ripped back open over time....
When I told people about you I never left out how much you used to make me smile, just how content I felt around you, how comfortable & happy I was. 5 minutes in your company & my face could light up any room. That's just the effect you have. But I bet when you tell people about me you'll miss out all the good parts. You'll tell them how clingy, demanding, insecure & annoying I got at the end. But they'll never know the confusing things that went on & just how hot & cold you blew. That part you'll leave out won't you?
I'm now left with even the smallest reminders of you. From songs, to food to places. Wherever I go there is a reminder. A constant reminder jumping out & hitting me in the face!
I guess your needs were more important than mine & honesty was a tough thing. Honest answers I don't think I was ever going to get when you didn't even know yourself what was going on in your head.
I guess I never should of let you in & let my guard down so soon. I never should of been so content so soon but that's just how you made me feel & that I could not change. But my problem is I care too much. Way too much. I know I have a good heart & that sometimes can be my weakness. But it doesn't mean people should punish me for it.
I hoped & prayed that things would change & that you'd soon realise but you didn't. You just pushed me away more & walked away without a care. I don't think you realise just how this feels & you're lucky to not have to know. But you wouldn't because you just don't care enough about me like I do you & I guess that's just the thing.
I question was our good times even real? Were those all fake smiles? Fake laughs? Were you pretending all those times we were together to be happy around me? To be happy in my company? To be told it feels like we've known each other longer I would say you was but maybe I'm wrong. Right now I don't know what's real & what's not....
When you're alone & you've got no one with you just remember how
things were. How someone actually cared about you, tried to put you first, enjoyed your company, tried to make you happy & I can promise you no one will fit that bill more than me. But for you I guess it
was just too much, too suffocating....
Love Lottie xox
16:21pm
I've always said to myself when times get tough that a one way ticket out of here would be the best thing.
To be able to close your eyes, point to a place on the map & just travel there. A place where no one knows you, knows your past or issues in order to judge you. Somewhere you can just run away & be away from home & run away from it all. But I guess you could say the past week I've learnt no matter how far you run, whether it's 100 miles, or perhaps the other side of the world it doesn't change a thing. Your mind will still think about those same things, it will still miss that one person & it doesn't change the way you see them or the situation. So what is the point? It may help you feel abit more refreshed but you will return home & those same feelings are still there. You can't just choose to go to a place & those feelings & emotions just disappear. It truly doesn't quite work like that. But life would be easier if you could!
Well I've found that it doesn't... A week in Oxford has been pretty picturesque though. The countryside is beautiful. Just to simply walk through it & let it take your mind off things can help for a short while. The views are lovely & I've caught abit of sun & read more of my books so I can't complain there.
So why when things get tough do we choose to run & try to hide from it?
I think that's a question no one can really a answer...
When you miss someone you feel like it consumes you. You miss even the smallest things that person did. You miss the way they smile, giggle & more importantly the feeling they made you feel just by them being in your presence. You have that person there & you feel like nothing else matters at that time because there is no where else you'd rather be than next to them. You question how someone can make you feel like that when no one else has. You ask yourself over & over what the hell did I do to make you turn around & walk off in the opposite direction? No matter what you do you just ask yourself questions & hope one day you'll find those answers wherever they may be... You don't get how someone can just change their mind like that & go back on everything they've ever said to you. To change their actions & just give up the fight. You told yourself not to let your guard down too soon, not to fall too quick but it's true what they say when you know you know & in those moments you just knew. When do you draw the line under something? When do you give up the fight when you know it could be something that's everything you've wanted? How do you show them that it's right & that it's okay to be afraid it's only human. You don't believe in much but you feel like that person came into your life for a reason & not for it to just be this hurt as a reminder... You just have to believe what they say, two people that are meant to be together will eventually find there way back to each other. Please just find your back soon though. I miss you quite terribly.
It's true when they say you never miss a good thing till its gone...
Love Lottie
xox
