Sometimes you just like the darkness of a room. No bright lights, no television, no background noise.
You just want to lay down in the comfort of your own bed & your familar surroundings. The surroundings you see as a comfort zone & being out of it at the moment is the worst.
The door is to be firmly shut so you can shut out all the hurt,voices, lessen the chance of being hurt & to be let down once again. So that door remains shut & it's just you & the darkness.
You was once scared of the dark & the last thing you wanted was to be left all alone in a dark room. But now your older i guess the get away place seems to be just there. Somewhere between the darkness, your room & the silence you find that you crave all day. That silence & time to yourself.
Most people say you should be over it by now but they are not the ocean between two destinations, there is no map to locate them again, my desire only grows stronger as days pass. Certain smiles can be as permant as scars - they do not just go away.
Most people say i should learn from my losses so i guess that explains my recent percentage of talking to random people so i forget for a while. I guess this is long overdue but less like milk gone bad, or more like a library book i didn't have the heart give up because it had that perfect ending that i wish for. I've learnt that misery is something close to missing someone.
You listen all day to the constant voices, people telling you what to do, or how you should feel or who you need to talk to in order to make it all just go away. But the truth is you can't? No one can...
No one can get rid of the demons in your head. They warn you as a child that monsters are not under your bed, but when your older they don't warn you that they can exist in your head. I think people forget to point out that vaild point. The demons of the past & the thoughts & emotions they bring. Whether they are the good memories you shared with someone or the bad with the moments where you were broken & crushed. Whether they be good or bad they still remain in your head & you end up having a constant battle with your head. No matter what you do those monsters & demons won't disappear & i don't believe they will. You can move on but you will never be free of them. They are always going to be at the back of your mind no matter how much you try to battle it. They are the monsters that eat away at you from the inside till they eat so far that they start to show on the outside. They change who you are, tear you apart & make you feel like your having a constant battle with your own head.
You can get to the point where you don't know where else to go or how to move forward. You try to change things in your life to make them more positive & give you that boost that you need but even that is a temporary fix. You feel positive for all of around 5 minutes till you find yourself back into that dark place & trying to fight those demons. You get to the point where you question whether you are your own demon? Do you make the issues 10 times as worse in your head than what they actually are? But no matter what i always say if it's something that bothers you no matter how big or small if it changes you, or upsets you enough that gets to you it is something. It shouldn't matter how big or small something is. People can be upset or effected by the biggest or smallest things but just because you have been hurt by a small thing it doesn't mean you any less of a person. I guess at times i need to remind myself that...
People can say it's all for attention & you crave sympathy but that is never the case. Someone who suffers so much & is at the point they don't know what to do with themselves, how to react, how to change, how to even carry on & get through just everyday is not an attention seeker. At the end of the day people will ALWAYS talk & they will always say bad things about you. But the main point is you know what goes on in your head & why should you need to prove to someone of how much of a vulnerable & unstable mind frame you are in? You shouldn't. I will NEVER prove myself to anyone simply because i don't think i should.
I guess you could say i am on my final tether. I'm at the point i have no more energy to give or to try. I seem to try my hardest in order to move myself forward & be more positive but i haven't the strength. I know in my head i haven't been the person i used to for some time now & time hasn't changed me in a way it made me nothing but worse. I cannot remember the last time i was myself & thats the saddest thing. Somewhere along this journey i've got lost & wandered off the wrong track & i can't seem to find my way back. It would be helpful if someone came along & took my hand & walked with me along that yellow brick road & the sun shone again but i know that type of reality doesn't exist. There is no yellow brick road, or even anyone to take my hand anymore to guide me back on that track. Along this journey people have judged me, walked away from me, changed me, hurt me, belittled me, made a joke out of me & deserted me when i needed them the most. I get people don't know how to react when you tell them all the things i have & of the changes. But at the same time it would be nice not to have people look down at you as if you had gone crazy & lost your mind. I don't need people to tell me i've changed, or that i'm in a bad place & it scares them. How do they think i feel? I'm the one who wakes up everyday with all the thoughts, emotions & built up sadness, hurt, pain & anger inside. Everyday is a constant battle just to get through to the end of the day. I'm constantly tired & drained. Thats just the half of it. But people don't seem to understand they just give you those words..."You'll get better in time" But what if time isn't enough? Time can be a healer yes but it can also just be a temporary fix, whats to say after time it doesn't come back to haunt you? There is no time limit & i know that it can take weeks, months or even years to fix this. I am fully aware of that.
My heart & head feels like it's overcrowded with too much thoughts & emotions.
Next time you think to judge me, or think you understand:
Do you have any idea what it feels like to not want to get out out bed every morning,not wanting to go & deal with all the rubbish outside your bed?
Do you even know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of miserable people just like you?
How about what it's like to be repulsed by things that you used to love?
To feel completely lost in the dark & not really knowing if there's a way out?
To not have the strength to feel like you can make it through the whole day, let alone the next one without breaking down?
To not be able to explain how you feel at all?
To have everyone constantly asking if you're okay until it gets to the point where no one asks, making you wonder if they don't notice or just don't care anymore?
To have no energy or drive to do anything?
To feel completely worthless?
To hate who you are, how you look & what you've done. So much that you beat yourself physically & mentally for it?
To feel like you have no control over nothing anymore?
To feel trapped inside a world of ugly thingsbut being scared of whats on the other side?
To be hurting constantly?
To know there's no one to save you from the way you feel?
To know peoples actions, thoughts & you are the only one who's really hurting yourself...
Love Lottie
xox
You just want to lay down in the comfort of your own bed & your familar surroundings. The surroundings you see as a comfort zone & being out of it at the moment is the worst.
The door is to be firmly shut so you can shut out all the hurt,voices, lessen the chance of being hurt & to be let down once again. So that door remains shut & it's just you & the darkness.
You was once scared of the dark & the last thing you wanted was to be left all alone in a dark room. But now your older i guess the get away place seems to be just there. Somewhere between the darkness, your room & the silence you find that you crave all day. That silence & time to yourself.
Most people say you should be over it by now but they are not the ocean between two destinations, there is no map to locate them again, my desire only grows stronger as days pass. Certain smiles can be as permant as scars - they do not just go away.
Most people say i should learn from my losses so i guess that explains my recent percentage of talking to random people so i forget for a while. I guess this is long overdue but less like milk gone bad, or more like a library book i didn't have the heart give up because it had that perfect ending that i wish for. I've learnt that misery is something close to missing someone.
You listen all day to the constant voices, people telling you what to do, or how you should feel or who you need to talk to in order to make it all just go away. But the truth is you can't? No one can...
No one can get rid of the demons in your head. They warn you as a child that monsters are not under your bed, but when your older they don't warn you that they can exist in your head. I think people forget to point out that vaild point. The demons of the past & the thoughts & emotions they bring. Whether they are the good memories you shared with someone or the bad with the moments where you were broken & crushed. Whether they be good or bad they still remain in your head & you end up having a constant battle with your head. No matter what you do those monsters & demons won't disappear & i don't believe they will. You can move on but you will never be free of them. They are always going to be at the back of your mind no matter how much you try to battle it. They are the monsters that eat away at you from the inside till they eat so far that they start to show on the outside. They change who you are, tear you apart & make you feel like your having a constant battle with your own head.
You can get to the point where you don't know where else to go or how to move forward. You try to change things in your life to make them more positive & give you that boost that you need but even that is a temporary fix. You feel positive for all of around 5 minutes till you find yourself back into that dark place & trying to fight those demons. You get to the point where you question whether you are your own demon? Do you make the issues 10 times as worse in your head than what they actually are? But no matter what i always say if it's something that bothers you no matter how big or small if it changes you, or upsets you enough that gets to you it is something. It shouldn't matter how big or small something is. People can be upset or effected by the biggest or smallest things but just because you have been hurt by a small thing it doesn't mean you any less of a person. I guess at times i need to remind myself that...
People can say it's all for attention & you crave sympathy but that is never the case. Someone who suffers so much & is at the point they don't know what to do with themselves, how to react, how to change, how to even carry on & get through just everyday is not an attention seeker. At the end of the day people will ALWAYS talk & they will always say bad things about you. But the main point is you know what goes on in your head & why should you need to prove to someone of how much of a vulnerable & unstable mind frame you are in? You shouldn't. I will NEVER prove myself to anyone simply because i don't think i should.
I guess you could say i am on my final tether. I'm at the point i have no more energy to give or to try. I seem to try my hardest in order to move myself forward & be more positive but i haven't the strength. I know in my head i haven't been the person i used to for some time now & time hasn't changed me in a way it made me nothing but worse. I cannot remember the last time i was myself & thats the saddest thing. Somewhere along this journey i've got lost & wandered off the wrong track & i can't seem to find my way back. It would be helpful if someone came along & took my hand & walked with me along that yellow brick road & the sun shone again but i know that type of reality doesn't exist. There is no yellow brick road, or even anyone to take my hand anymore to guide me back on that track. Along this journey people have judged me, walked away from me, changed me, hurt me, belittled me, made a joke out of me & deserted me when i needed them the most. I get people don't know how to react when you tell them all the things i have & of the changes. But at the same time it would be nice not to have people look down at you as if you had gone crazy & lost your mind. I don't need people to tell me i've changed, or that i'm in a bad place & it scares them. How do they think i feel? I'm the one who wakes up everyday with all the thoughts, emotions & built up sadness, hurt, pain & anger inside. Everyday is a constant battle just to get through to the end of the day. I'm constantly tired & drained. Thats just the half of it. But people don't seem to understand they just give you those words..."You'll get better in time" But what if time isn't enough? Time can be a healer yes but it can also just be a temporary fix, whats to say after time it doesn't come back to haunt you? There is no time limit & i know that it can take weeks, months or even years to fix this. I am fully aware of that.
My heart & head feels like it's overcrowded with too much thoughts & emotions.
Next time you think to judge me, or think you understand:
Do you have any idea what it feels like to not want to get out out bed every morning,not wanting to go & deal with all the rubbish outside your bed?
Do you even know what it feels like to feel completely alone while you know there are millions of miserable people just like you?
How about what it's like to be repulsed by things that you used to love?
To feel completely lost in the dark & not really knowing if there's a way out?
To not have the strength to feel like you can make it through the whole day, let alone the next one without breaking down?
To not be able to explain how you feel at all?
To have everyone constantly asking if you're okay until it gets to the point where no one asks, making you wonder if they don't notice or just don't care anymore?
To have no energy or drive to do anything?
To feel completely worthless?
To hate who you are, how you look & what you've done. So much that you beat yourself physically & mentally for it?
To feel like you have no control over nothing anymore?
To feel trapped inside a world of ugly thingsbut being scared of whats on the other side?
To be hurting constantly?
To know there's no one to save you from the way you feel?
To know peoples actions, thoughts & you are the only one who's really hurting yourself...
Love Lottie
xox
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