So I guess for a while now people have noticed my change of moods, my constant battle with myself, my lack of interest in anything & just everything in general. I got to the point where it was effecting my everyday life. Relationships with friends, family, everyday tasks became a struggle. It was like everyday was a constant battle just to fight my way through & i wasn't sure just how i was going to get through everyday. You could say perhapes only the people close to me noticed as they were the ones who would monitor me & my change of moods. I'd take things out on others when they had done no wrong, I'd constantly be unhappy & not at all take an interest in anything or anyone around me. I lost all lack of interest even in the thing i once loved doing. Everything became a nighmare to even concentrate on. I'd find myself not being able to focus, fidgeting constantly & not sitting still what so ever. I found it hard to watch a film without being able to get distracted. I got myself to the point no self help books, no person not even myself could help me anymore & i knew when more & more people close to me took me to one side & said you need to help yourself & do this that i realised for the first time in my life i needed help...
When your such a stubborn, strong minded person like i am i find it hard to admit to people when i need someone or when i need help. I've never been a person to be able to just approach someone & say to them i need your help. That's not me & thats the thing thats odd. It's not easy to admit you've been defeated & thats what i've felt. I feel like I've let myself down as normally i could grin & bare it & carry on but this time its been different & the feelings & emotions have been much stronger. At times I've felt like I've lost my mind & felt so restless i haven't understood what I'm meant to do with myself to get by.
The hardest thing to do when your in such a dark place is admit you need help. But for the first time in my life i now have. I can say to anyone if you ever get yourself into such a dark place as i have don't hesitate or feel like you can't ask someone for help. There is no shame in asking for a helping hand. After all sometimes in order to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel you need someone to take your hand & walk with you along the stepping stones, step at a time & lead you into that light. Theres no rainbow without rain after all...
To some people I guess you could say they'd judge me or treat me differently after knowing what I'm suffering from but to me that's no suprise. I guess people just don't know how to treat you or act around you once they know. I wouldn't want the sympathy or people to feel like they are treading on egg shells around me. Its only when diagnosed with it that you actually realise it is real & that those things in your head have meant something.Suffering from severe depression makes me no different than anyone it can just mean I'm not in as such a great place as some people. But then again some people have no been through as many bad life experiences or teachings. Everyone varies, every person is different in this world. That's what makes us all unique. Some people would ask what it's like? I'd say to them it's like being a place that's constantly dark, that no matter how many people you have around you your constantly on your own, you fight a battle with yourself & everyday just to get by, your chest is so tight you feel like you can't breathe as it hurts, it's that constant feeling of drowning & you can't get out. Some people call you an attention seeker but thats the society we live in. People see what they want to see & are always quick to judge.
I've never been looked at as though I'm a risk to myself, that I'm of an unstable mind. I guess they don't like to tell you that part. The part will they will ask you questions to check that in your head your still there & that you are not at harm. Sometimes i think people automatically think your crazy. I may of myself as that lately but not quite as strong as that. I wouldn't want to be thought of as such a thing. The fact you take tablets to control your mind i find that odd & not at all comforting. I know it's not forever & in time that can change but i feel like people will think you need to to keep you sane.
For the first time in around 6months i can say to myself that I'm getting the help I need. I gave in to my stubborness & just did what i felt i had to. Things got to much & the colour had completly drained from my life & it was nothing but black & white. When you can't even help yourself anymore you & your that restless you know what you have to do when you cannot mentally or physically take anymore. It's taken me half a year but i am hoping now that i can start to slowly move forward & start to rebuild my life & more importantly myself. I cannot remember the last time i was myself & that's the worse thing. I haven't smiled a geninue smile in so long, i haven't giggled like I've meant it in so long & I've not felt closeness to people since i can't remember when.
To all the people that have stuck by me through all this on going issue i truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. Without these people I would not be where i am now & trying to get myself back on track or taken that step to seeking the help that i do actually need.
Just remember if you ever feel your in a dark hole & you cannot get out, always remember never be afraid to ask for help or for someones hand to hold. They will always be someone who can guide you back & build you back up.
The mind is a powerful thing, others can see when you break a bone or have a phyiscal injury & they give it time to heal, however when it's a mental injury thats scaring, people can't visually see it? So to them it's not there. We never give mental things time to heal as much as a broken bone would. But we need to in order to get through life....
Scars are like battle wounds, beautiful in everyway. They show what you've been through & how strong you are for getting through <3
I'll keep you posted with updates on how I battle through, i know it's not going to be all rainbows & butterflies & I'm still going to have them dark days but I'll battle through. After all i always do.
Love Lottie xox
No comments:
Post a Comment