Today has been one of the days. One of them days where I've wanted to do nothing. Nothing but shut myself away, stay in bed wrapped up in a duvet & not show my face anywhere. I've felt like I've not wanted to be around anyone cos at the moment I feel even when I'm around people I'm still all alone. I constantly feel like I'm alone. Alone in a world that I can't explain or put right for myself. People have often said things along those lines before & I've thought that doesn't make sense in the slightest but now I truly do get it. Even with people around you, you still wake up everyday & feel as if your battling through life on your own without a single hand to hold on to but your own other hand...
But today for once I didn't do what I really wanted to I got up, which at the moment is hard to but it's not like I get any sleep. I wake up every couple of hours & fidget like anything. I got up, dragged myself out the house twice & had a relatively normal day. Okay all the thoughts were still in my head but I got myself out there instead of being trapped behind those 4walls which I wanted to. It's a small thing but to me it's quite a big thing. I'm expecting people start reading these & think what a weirdo, what a freak. I can't imagine nice things are thought of me. But it's not for sympathy or for others to gossip its just a way of writing my thoughts in my head. I'm not expecting them to understand what i have in my head either or know what's going on. Neither should they think they have to right to tell me how the situation is & maybe I am in the wrong.
Why must everything be hard?I never feel like anything ever goes right anymore.. I hate being so sad on the inside, and then so happy on the outside. I wish people would just come up to me and be like “I know you’re not okay, so don’t tell me your fine.” Because I know, that if someone did that, it truly showed someone who knew how much I go through. I always have wondered if anyone knows that I struggle, when they look at me, they can just tell I’m so confused? Or do I just hide it so well, that they don’t even know I have a hard time just trying to cope with being okay every single day? It’s so hard to tell someone how you truly feeling because you’re afraid that they’ll never know how you truly feel. I only wish for someone to know how I feel to not do all this on my own. I just wish giving up wasn’t easier said, than done.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change things. Or perhaps just alter reality enough to change the outcome of something. I always feel like it’s unfair that so many things get piled on my plate at one time. I frequently wonder what I did to deserve all of it. But, I think I've realised now that although times may be rough, and I may not always feel like it, things get better. Often times we have to look past all of the darkness and pain to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which i hope i see that light soon. But something horrible may have happened in your life, it may turn into something beautiful.
We turn into something stronger, and more beautiful than before. It’s not the easy times that make us better, it’s how we handle the hard times. Wonderful things can be the result of something that was painful. That's the best way & only way to look at it at the moment to keep going....
Sweet dreams, Lottie xox
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