Ever been in a place where you call home, all your family & friends are there to surround you & your in the comfort & security of your own home but there comes points in your life where you just want to run away & be as far away from the place you call home as possible. Your the kind of person who loves home & the feeling of warmth & the safety it brings but at the moment that's not what you want. You just want different surroundings & a change. Your not the kind of person who just drops everything & runs but at this moment in time running has never felt so appealing. You want to pack up a bag & go. Not go forever but just far enough so you miss what you have & just time away to clear your head. Pick a nice place, a place that feels homely, the seaside so you can feel the wind in your hair, let it blow away all those thoughts, those issues, watch the birds fly away & wish you was a bird so you could just fly away whenever you wanted. If only you had the wings to take flight & remove yourself wherever you wanted. You could remove yourself from places, situations, anything.
You get to the point you cannot even explain what's in your head & for you that's odd. You normally always have an answer for everything except this time you don't. But why? You wish you knew the answer to that then perhaps you could just get rid of that thought & work out what to do. Right now you really don't know the difference between the right & the wrong thing to do. No matter what there is not going to be some quick fix for this. It'd be easier if there was. Whatever you do it's not going to be straight forward, your going to struggle, going to hurt & most of all your going to want to give up.
Sometimes you like can't make a rational decision due to the million different thoughts & solutions you think of in your head. It just feels like your not in a sane mood to decide. Its bad to say that & you know you sound crazy but it's true. If you don't feel like your in a right place to make a decision right now then don't not while your heads not in it because then you'll decide wrong. You can have more than one option. At the end of the day they aren't the ones who have to face it everyday & just carry on. For those people it's fucking easy & they aren't the ones trying to adjust & block things out. To start off with you can block it all out but now slowly through all the cracks it's coming in & eats you up bit by bit.
Your tired, constantly drained from everything, fed up, confused & worst of all your not yourself anymore. That's the worse thing. Trying to find yourself again & bring you back but its going to take some time.
The frustrating thing is not knowing & be able to explain to people the things in your head. You feel like such a freak that you cant even describe. You don't sleep, you wake every few hours, you sound like such a weirdo. People say maybe you need to ask for help but you don't. You don't need people judging, discussing your life & making you out to be weird. It's hard cos people think your fine half the time but they don't see what your feeling in your head & how you actually feel. They'd be surprised. Half the time you just feel so alone & as if no one listens because they don't always show you the support or the interest or give you the time. You feel you sound just like a broken record & for that your sorry people have to listen to that.
Everyone has gone through something that changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were.
love Lottie xox
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