I guess you could say weekends are the worst. The worst for thinking time & those worries to surface. All week they seem to stay at bay but the minute you are away from work & have any time to yourself they seem to hit you like a bus. You can't help but question what they are doing, or who they are with even though you know in your own mind you have no right to say so.
You know you can't mention that feeling or thought to anyone because they will think the same as the rest of it, "it is what it is" let it be. But that's easy for someone to say when they aren't the ones left with those feelings & emotions in their heads. They aren't the ones who have to question everyday went happened, what did you do wrong? why did they do what they did? But thing is now I guess you will never know. If someone blocks you, pretends like you don't exist & like nothing even happened what can you do? Nothing... You just have to try & do the same & carry on like nothing happened but... It's not that simple. You actually liked them, they actually made you feel content & happy & that's something you haven't had in such a long time especially with the recent dark times you have suffered. So to let someone in is a rarity. You thought they were different & over time you actually cared about them & their wellbeing so much you'd actually do anything to keep them in your life & to have them back & fix what went wrong.
To others you now show or try to show you don't care. Life is good without them & you carry on about your everyday but inside you want to scream & fight your way back to that person. Because you miss them like hell. You miss their laugh,voice, cuddles, kisses, holding their hand & waking up next to them. Just seeing them makes your day & being around them makes you feel so content & at ease. Around them you feel comfortable. It just makes sense. That's the kind of thing in your eyes you shouldn't just give up on & throw away but there is only so much you can try with someone. No matter how much you want to fight for them you just can't go on that way forever. But when someone just gives up on you for no reason what do you do? Because that hurts like hell.
Missing someone is the hardest thing. It's the longing for someone & wanting to see them. But it's worse when you know you won't anymore & someone else might be getting to. You find yourself listening to the songs they liked & sung just because it reminds you of them, or watching the programmes you watched together just because it was with them. You can't help but have everything remind you of them.
Life is unfair & you never get what you want.
You have to hope things change over time & he will come back. Whatever's meant to be will find its way. But whatever happens don't lose faith.
Love Lottie xox
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