So I'm actually writing again already. I've decided I want to give this whole writing a blog thing seriously & actually record my everyday, ups & downs, trials & tribulations & try to get across to people just how hard this can actually be.
To me writing gives me a chance to off load & let's me explain just how I feel without having to explain face to face. I can simply write it down & let people read it. To me it's always been the thing I'm best at, writing down my emotions for people to read. That's just how I am. For me it's so much simpler to just write it down & let the words flow.
Today there has been no change in my mood. I've only found myself getting more & more irritable as the day went on. Firstly I didn't know whether to just put it down to the warm weather but by the aching & tight pain in my chest I know this is much more than that. This is both my anxiety & depression kick starting back in...back comes the monsters in your head Lottie.
Imagine a deep sharp pain in your chest, where someone has tied a rope around it & is pulling it in with a toggle. Tighter & tighter, so your so restricted & deflated that you can barely breathe. Well that's just what it feels like. Not a nice thought is it?
Depression is a dark place. It changes the person you are & makes you an angrier person at times. You snap so easily when things go wrong & the smallest thing can make you crack & breakdown. For example misplacing something or dropping something. You end up swearing or cursing your little head off all over the smallest thing.
At times some people can be the most supportive of friends & stick by your side through anything, checking on you to make sure you're doing okay, just anything to brighter your day or help you through. Lately I've realised there are so FEW people that I can rely on & it's made me appreciate more the people who are there day in day out. I can hand on heart say my TRUE ones I can count on one hand. I'd rather that than a load of fake friends pretending they care about me & know all about my life. Save your breath.
People are so irritating when they don't even notice a change in you or your mood. I think that's one of the most upsetting things. They are too wrapped up in their own little lives to realise hey maybe my friend needs someone. But there comes a point you just don't wish to waste your energy anymore. After all what's the point?
I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day & my mood changes.
Sweet dreams,
Lottie xox
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