Relapse

23:27pm

Those days where you feel everyone is against you & no one is there when you need them. Everyone feels like miles away & they forget you even exist. But that's just another ordinary day lately. I feel like I've lost my close bonds with everyone. There is no one I feel that is a constant & I'm getting to the point where so many people keep walking away & leaving me that I trust no one. You get used to someone being around but for what? To have them desert you when you actually needed them. No reasons, no excuses given. They just walk out your life one day & they don't come back. You question to yourself is it something you did, something you said, something you didn't do or say? Or is it just them being an arse & not being the person you thought they were? So many questions but you'll never get the answer. 

People are let downs. Nothing but & nothing less. People aren't all they are made out to be. They pick you up & drop you as quick as you can say "dont hurt me".They turn out to be nothing but a disappointment. It's true what they say don't expect anything from anyone then you can't be disappointed. 

There's nothing else I feel like saying tonight. Other than be careful who you let in, be careful who you trust, be careful most of all who you let have abit of your heart. Because its at that point where your no longer in control. You lose all sense of grip, feeling & that's it your taken over. Bitch all you want about me, ignore me all you want, call me what you wish, throw those bad names at me, anything you wish. I'm gone past the stage of even caring. I'd rather be on my own & look out for myself than have people like you who are a waste of space in my life.  I don't care if you read this & take it that it's aimed at you. Don't have a guilty conscious. 

Just because I'm strong, it doesn't mean I don't struggle. Just because I smile, it doesn't mean everything is perfect. Just because I have faith, doesn't mean it's always easy to believe. I go through it daily, just like you. I just choose to not complain because I know there's always someone else who has it worse ; but sometimes when your the one who's always giving, people forget your human, people forget that you feel, doubt & go through things aswell. Maybe they do it on purpose but when you're hurt you don't care to credit intentions, you only care to judge actions. So if I make time for you, appreciate it. If I make your smile a priority, value it. If I invest in your life, care enough about me to add to the value of mine. That's all I ask...

Just when you thought a relapse wouldn't occur. Someone or situations trigger it off & back to square one. Your chest starts to tighten & that feeling of trying to breathe gets harder.

Thank you for your support 

From Lottie

xox