Sometimes being in the same surroundings, seeing the same faces, carrying out the same tasks everyday can be repetitive to say the least. Being in that place can add to your mood. It can deflate you, change you as a person for the best or for the worst & it can add to the added strain. Until lately I have been the person who likes to be in a place that I know, be around the people that I feel comfortable with & carry out the same tasks everyday. But now I'm realising that is not for me or helping to my state of mind. It is doing nothing but adding to my stress, making me even more unhappy & breaking me apart bit by bit. It isn't all just because of those things it is also due to other reasons but I think being in a place you feel happy in helps your overall mood & it's just not in the same places anymore.
I've learnt a few things about myself the past few days which I never thought would be possible I'm a homely person who enjoys home comforts, the same familiar people & places around. But right now that couldn't feel more different. Home should be somewhere that you feel happy, content & comfortable in. But I don't, it's not my home life that makes me feel that it's every other little thing that has built up bit by bit. Then bit by bit, piece by piece it slowly has tore me apart as a person, changed who I am, changed my moods & what I feel about people & even places. I have never been a person who has wanted to run & be far way away from home but being in a new place & surrounding myself somewhere new has shown me that it is what I need. I need the chance to be able to be somewhere new.
A home isn't a building, it isn't a place or even a town. A home can be made anywhere as long as it is with the people you love. Whether that be family or friends. It isn't a certain town, city or country. Home is where you feel happy & surrounded by the people you need. As long as you are with them it doesn't matter where you are in the world or what house you are in.
I've learnt it's okay to be scared. People often don't admit when they are afraid or at breaking point but ive learnt no is no shame in admitting when you have been defeated. You feel alone, scared & like your world is in a grey place & like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Days seem long & dark. You feel like there is no way out but at some point there will be. Being scared of your thoughts & emotions is tough but you learn to adapt it to your everyday. You learn that you can wake up everyday in any mood. That is probably the worst thing. Not knowing what mood you are going to be in & any little thing in your day can change it. You don't know whether your coming or going. Thats one of the many struggles.
Life is one big journey. You learn who you are as a person, you grow, you adapt, you learn. It isn't always going to be easy. Sometimes each step can be easy. The stepping stones can be close together & small. So stepping onto the next can be easy but sometimes the steps can be far apart. Big & time consuming to cross. But they will be worth it. Nothing is going to be easy. You've got to fight to get to the next step. It is going to scare you at points & test you but face it head on & in time you can challenge it & over come it. So surround yourself with the people who make you happy & make you feel at home, go to the places you've always wanted to visit, make new memories & treasure them.
I have learnt the past few days that no matter where you are being away from certain people doesn't make you forget them completely. You still think about them everyday, see things that remind you of them & you miss them. But missing someone is easier than having to face someone you can't have. It is a suffering but it isn't half as much as one.
I guess I have learnt that:
* I need to be around new people & in new surroundings in order to have change in my life & make me feel more happier & at ease. Because people can effect your mood. They can change your mood by the smallest thing, they can change you as a person, break you & stress you more
*Being scared isn't something to be ashamed of, after all everyone gets scared sometimes.
*Change isn't always a bad thing it can be for the better & being in a bad place isn't always a bad thing. It can teach you a lot. Think of it as a lesson & a chance to be able to change things you perhaps never before thought of. Or maybe you did but just never really was sure of whether it was right or wrong. Or maybe it isn't obvious to you but along the way it'll teach you.
*Home isn't a certain place as such it's the people who make a place a home.
*Being somewhere new doesn't always solve things, make you erase things, delete people from your life, or even make you forget someone.
I'll admit I'm proud of myself for the small improvement I've made & the journey I'm still taking. To me this isn't easy & there are days that I truly struggle to even carry on & find a purpose. But the small improvement of noticing things that I need to change & thinking of it in some kind of positive way is a step in the right direction. To some it might be something that they see as nothing interesting or nothing they are really phased by but to me it's a big thing. For too long I've stuck with the demons in my head, the dark place with no light & the place on my own. But slowly I am taking the journey down the tunnel to the light.
Some people see it as a strange thing. Like I am strange, unstable or a freak. But it takes a strong person to battle through the trials & tribulations that it can bring. The unknown, unsettled, lonely, dark, empty, scary & lost place. No faint hearted & weak person could face that.
It takes being completely lost in order to find your way back...
Love Lottie xox
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