Ever felt like you're constantly going backwards & forwards out of one mood & into another?
Ever felt like your in a dark place where everything around you is different & nothing is quite what it seems?
Ever felt like your constantly fighting a battle that your starting to lose?
That's just a little piece into my mind of how i actually feel. That small piece is probably only like 10% the rest is pretty much undescribable.
Just when you think your making a small improvement you slip back down into this big dark hole & you can't get out. It's like your gripping onto the edge for dear life but at any moment you feel your going to fall into that dark hole & never know when you'll return. The scariest bit isn't the dark place, or being alone, it's trying to work out how your going to get back up to the top & fight when you feel you just don't know how to fight anymore. I guess it feels like Alice from Alice in wonderland when she fell down the rabbit hole, she didn't know when & how she was going to get out. She just thought she was dreaming & that by pinching herself she'd wake up. If only you could pinch yourself & wake up & everything just be a bad dream...
Over the past few days i've found myself to be back in that place where it all begun. The mood that i can't describe as to why i'm feeling quite like i am. The worst part of it is you wake up everyday & you just don't know what mood your going to be in. More often than not you find yourself waking up to a mood where everything is rock bottom & you don't know simply how to fight it off. But every now & then you get those good days where you do remember you do have those good people in your life that make it that little bit easier. The days where everything is all butteflies & raindows. But the days where the world is nothing but a grey, dark, cloudy & lonely place are the worst. They are the days i struggle to carry on, struggle to be around people, struggle to fight a smile, struggle to face the people i wish i didn't have to. Those are the days i wish someone would just pick me up,wrap me up in cotton wool, hold on to me & not let anything else bad happen. But i know things like that can't happen. No one can protect me, i can only protect myself. I just can't protect myself from everything especially the bad. Sometimes the bad needs to find you to help build you & mould you as a person. It can truly make or break you & right now i don't know where i am. I'm on like a seesaw where i'm weighing the strong in me out & how close i am to breaking point. However right now, honestly i feel i'm more at the breaking point than the strong person i once was.
So how do you pick yourself back up from that? How can you make what seems the impossible,possible to fight? Because i truly am nearly losing a battle this time. For once it'd be nice to have someone to fight the battle for me instead of me having to...
A warm sunny day, the sun on your back, the wind blows through you hair, the sea is crashing onto the warm sand, the birds are calling, the air smells nothing but fresh & clean. Your seated on the warm sand, eyes closed taking in the feeling of being miles from home. Far away from everything that is familiar to you, far away from the issues. A chance to surround yourself with new surroundings, new faces, new memories to try to replace the old. A chance to rebuild yourself just to the point you can come back & carry on rebuilding but you need that starting block first just to start.
I've forgot what it's like to feel normal & not feel like i'm some kind of weird person who can't describe their feelings, or what it's like to feel happy & content. What it must be like to not be the freak & have people treat you differently. But maybe in time that'll pass.
I'm counting down the days to be away from the place i once thought of as home...
Love Lottie xox
Ever felt like your in a dark place where everything around you is different & nothing is quite what it seems?
Ever felt like your constantly fighting a battle that your starting to lose?
That's just a little piece into my mind of how i actually feel. That small piece is probably only like 10% the rest is pretty much undescribable.
Just when you think your making a small improvement you slip back down into this big dark hole & you can't get out. It's like your gripping onto the edge for dear life but at any moment you feel your going to fall into that dark hole & never know when you'll return. The scariest bit isn't the dark place, or being alone, it's trying to work out how your going to get back up to the top & fight when you feel you just don't know how to fight anymore. I guess it feels like Alice from Alice in wonderland when she fell down the rabbit hole, she didn't know when & how she was going to get out. She just thought she was dreaming & that by pinching herself she'd wake up. If only you could pinch yourself & wake up & everything just be a bad dream...
Over the past few days i've found myself to be back in that place where it all begun. The mood that i can't describe as to why i'm feeling quite like i am. The worst part of it is you wake up everyday & you just don't know what mood your going to be in. More often than not you find yourself waking up to a mood where everything is rock bottom & you don't know simply how to fight it off. But every now & then you get those good days where you do remember you do have those good people in your life that make it that little bit easier. The days where everything is all butteflies & raindows. But the days where the world is nothing but a grey, dark, cloudy & lonely place are the worst. They are the days i struggle to carry on, struggle to be around people, struggle to fight a smile, struggle to face the people i wish i didn't have to. Those are the days i wish someone would just pick me up,wrap me up in cotton wool, hold on to me & not let anything else bad happen. But i know things like that can't happen. No one can protect me, i can only protect myself. I just can't protect myself from everything especially the bad. Sometimes the bad needs to find you to help build you & mould you as a person. It can truly make or break you & right now i don't know where i am. I'm on like a seesaw where i'm weighing the strong in me out & how close i am to breaking point. However right now, honestly i feel i'm more at the breaking point than the strong person i once was.
So how do you pick yourself back up from that? How can you make what seems the impossible,possible to fight? Because i truly am nearly losing a battle this time. For once it'd be nice to have someone to fight the battle for me instead of me having to...
A warm sunny day, the sun on your back, the wind blows through you hair, the sea is crashing onto the warm sand, the birds are calling, the air smells nothing but fresh & clean. Your seated on the warm sand, eyes closed taking in the feeling of being miles from home. Far away from everything that is familiar to you, far away from the issues. A chance to surround yourself with new surroundings, new faces, new memories to try to replace the old. A chance to rebuild yourself just to the point you can come back & carry on rebuilding but you need that starting block first just to start.
I've forgot what it's like to feel normal & not feel like i'm some kind of weird person who can't describe their feelings, or what it's like to feel happy & content. What it must be like to not be the freak & have people treat you differently. But maybe in time that'll pass.
I'm counting down the days to be away from the place i once thought of as home...
Love Lottie xox
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