It's been a couple of days since I've written a blog entry so I thought it would be time to announce my news for people to know, to give my answers so people don't have to fire 20 questions at me & just offload.
On Saturday I received an email asking me to attend an audition for the xfactor in London. I applied a couple of months ago when I didn't have a care in the world & I was in a better place than I am right now. I applied thinking I wouldn't get a response back I guess but in my mind somewhere I hoped I would. Why? Because I'd like that big chance to do something that I love,give me something to channel my emotions into & hopefully have people enjoy listening to my voice. Having that thought that your music could be something people relate to & get them through a difficult time just like others have for me. Music to me is a way of expressing emotions you can't always say or put down on paper. A song can express all the things you feel at that moment in time & you can find others relate to those feelings too.
I've had some amazing support from people about it & they have congratulated me & I know there is those few handful of people that do actually believe me. More than I actually probably believe in myself. I don't have the highest of faith in myself at the best of times but at the moment it's at it's lowest. But to have those few people that do actually believe in me helps. It gives you the smallest sense of belief even if it's just for a second & puts a lose doubt in your mind.
The place I am in currently I have already admitted & I don't expect people to understand. Heaven forbid I am aware people really don't get it they just try to pretend they do. You can't understand something you don't know.
The bad place I'm in means I'm not ready to do the audition. I know I need to improve myself & the place I'm in before I go through a big change which it could potentially be. I don't think i have the confidence, belief, strength & find myself being able to face rejection at the moment. Being knocked down will only beat me down more & right now I know I'm not the strong person I was so I can't face that & neither can I put myself there. I'm the only person who can decide this & I know for me it's the right thing no matter how good it could be for me. I have to put myself first because let's face it no one else will. It's me & only me who can protect myself from getting myself into more of a dark place. People are going to attack & say your passing up a once in a lifetime opportunity & the comments will come but I don't care. I am aware I'm passing up an opportunity but for me right now it's not the right time. I'm not chickening out I'm simply keeping myself from falling down even more. No one else can do that but me. I'm not saying I won't ever apply again or try to get somewhere with my singing again I'm just saying now isn't the right time to. It's taken alot to decide what I have it's not just something you can decide over night. After all you can't just walk into something like that & not prepare for it. I've not prepared one bit. People are better than me & the music industry is a hard place to get into. So you need to be the best you can be & that's not me right now.
I'm not saying I won't apply next year or whenever. I'm simply saying not right now because the tine isn't right for me. But one day I will...
So let people say what they wish I'm tired of listening to it. I'm not feeling bullied into something.
Check out my soundcloud :
http://soundcloud.com/lottiejessica
Love Lottie xox
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