Somethings Not Normal

20:20pm
To the world that wants to listen, wants to take the time to try & understand or simply just wants to read this is for you...

You get to the point when things are bad that the words "You'll be just fine" or "are you okay?" are the questions & words that always seem to be thrown at you lately. Those words aren't words of comfort they are in which you a constant reminder that your not actually okay & the fact you don't think you'll be "just" fine. People don't often know what to say, i get that. After all people can't always have an answer or solution for you with every situation,issue or mood you get yourself into. Not everyone has the power to talk you out of those moods or situations. After all i don't believe you can comment on what you don't know. If you haven't been in that situation yourself then your not the best person in order to comment on that. They aren't always going to have been in an exact situation as you but anything simliar where the emotions & feelings were all too simliar then that makes life easier. You get fed up of constantly being asked those words. You know people are looking out for you & have your best interest at heart. Okay well some people do, the others sadly just try to find gossip out of it. But thats where things now change, don't ever tell people everything unless you trust them completley. Because they will be the people that just listen & don't help.

I've got to the point now where i'm in this mood that i cannot snap out of no matter what i do ;
*I snap at people unintentionally, i don't realise i'm doing it, it just happens & after i feel bad because i take it out on them. 
*I can't explain the thoughts & feelings in my head. Normally i'm good at writing things down & i can explain myself pretty well. But at the moment i feel in this mood that not even i can explain as to why?
*I constantly feel unhappy with my life maybe because i thought my life would be different by now that what it actually is. That doesn't mean i'm ungrateful for what i do have like my family & friends they are amazing. I guess i just feel like i don't have alot to show for myself for my age. People will say your young you've still got time for all that but truth is people of my age do often have more to show for themselves than what i actually do.
*I don't feel happy with myself. To me i've put on some weight & i hate it. People will say whatever your skinny & you can afford to put on weight but truth is i don't wish to. I am no longer happy at the way my body is & that's me being honest. I don't feel pretty, deserving & so much more. Maybe it's that people over time have made me feel like that & it's added to this feeling on low self esteem i don't know. After all people can only make you feel small for so long before you start believing the words they say or throw back at you in an argument right? 
*I enjoy my own company alot more than being around other people. That sounds bad & horrible i know. It's nothing against the people i spend time with. It's really nothing that they've done it's just whats in my head. I'd rather be on my own where i don't have to explain myself, i don't have to pretend i'm in this great mood & everything is just fine. I can act how i want & just sit & relax & not have to talk or simply make conversation. I mean even if i am in other people's company i still feel like i'm on my own. 
*I feel like people where ever i go people are staring & it's horrible because you don't know why. I always feel like are they looking at me because they think urgh she's funny looking, or she's ugly, or what is she wearing. It's like you have like 12828823232 thoughts going through your head trying to work out why they are looking at you & it might not even be for a bad reason but you automatically think it is. It's so odd.

People will probably read this now & think i'm odd. But i'm aware of that, i already have started to think of myself as abit of a freak. Because in my head thats just what i feel. 

I'm aware i'm not happy & feeling like this isn't normal especially for such a long period of time which this seems to have been now. But i know at the same time i'm a strong person, i know i don't feel that now but somewhere in me still is this person that can fight these feelings & get back to who i was. I just don't know where to start i guess? I've been through alot worse & i've always got through what life has thrown at me so this some how i know i can deal with even though at this moment in time i know i feel like i can't. I'm constantly tired & feel drained physically & mentally.

As a person i've changed, i'm not the person i was this time last year. People change over time i get that but this time i've not grown as person i've weakened & become more vulnerable. That person just isn't me. I'd like to be my old self again but at the moment i'm still trying to find it.

Someone set me this challenge where i look in the mirror & for every one thing i write down that i think i can improve on or don't like that i write down 2 good things or things that i like about myself. Then each day try & change what you want to improve on. But the bit i'm struggling on is the good things about myself? So thats the difficult part...

I guess things catch up with you & come back to bite you. It's like you talk about normal things to other people like nothing's wrong but in your head there's so much you feel just isn't right. You never thought you'd get to the point where you struggle everyday just to put a smile on your face. You have your good days & you laugh it off & keep smiling but then reality kicks back in & bam you get hit hard. It's like a massive weight on your chest & sometimes it feels like it's hard to breathe. Things never seem a struggle but your used to just getting through it but this time it just feels different & you just can't put your finger on it. If you knew you could fight it, but the fact you can't fully explain just how you feel & why it makes it 100 x harder.

"I'll stick around to watch this town fall down to it's knees,You can pray the day that you hope is coming round real soon. I will run and stay away in a place that I don't know well of, You can chose a different song that you will soon love. Well here are the reasons that hurt me the most, call off the search she's coming home"
Gabrielle Aplin - The Liar & the Lighter.

Love Lottie xox