Ever wondered how your meant to decide what you want? How do you work out what's wrong or right? What makes something wrong or right? Do you follow your head or your heart? Right now I'm trying to decide what to do but my heart is telling me to keep at it & fight but my head says drop it & leave it be now it's never going to happen. So what do you do?
Never run away from a situation because no matter where you go the feelings & emotions will always follow you wherever you are in the world or no matter how far you run. I've always believed that so why right now do I feel like running because that will get me away from the issue & means a fresh start? It doesn't always work like that though. Just because your somewhere new it doesn't mean it's all gone away & your cured because your not. You'll still wake up everyday with it right there staring you in the face.
You can lie to yourself & tell yourself you don't feel the way you do & you no longer care but in your head you know that couldn't be further from the truth. It's still there built up inside you & trying to escape. But what are you meant to do when you can't let on how you really feel & just how much you truly care because it could end up with things being even worse than they are now. You don't like discussing it with others now in case they think here we go again on about the same boring thing get over it, or just because you don't wish to be a burden or have people judging you.
Right now I think I'm back to square one all over again. The uncertainty, sadness & confusion is all too familiar as before. But how can you get yourself out of something your feeling like you still want to be in? Surely something in this life is meant to be simple, maybe I've just not found it yet. If the situation was different for them then it'll make the whole situation alot easier & clearer. But the way things are time, who I am & looks is what it comes down to & I can't compete with that. You can't compete with someone who's above you & is the person your not.
You know that feeling? When you're just waiting, waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed & just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief & desperation. Nothing seems right either & you're tired of everything, tired of nothing & you just want someone to be there & tell you it's okay. But no ones going to be there & you know you have to be strong for yourself, cos no one can fix you. But your tired of waiting, tired of having to be the one to fix yourself & everyone else. Tired of being strong & for once you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be. But you're still hoping & you're still wishing. & you're still staying strong & fighting, with tears in your eyes you're fighting.
Sweet dreams, love Lottie xox
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