You know those programmes you watch before bed that play on your mind? You keep running through them over & over again. It's even worse when it's got to you even more because it reminds you of someone. Someone close to your heart & it's hard to even begin to imagine what they must of gone through. Unbearable pain & nightmares. Tonight is truly going to be one of the nights where I'm not going to sleep well & I can feel that already. I am tired as I always am but I can feel it within myself that I feel restless but my mind is working overtime once more & it just won't switch off.
I'm one of those people who can't shut off no matter what I do. I tell myself don't let it get to you too much but i still let it. It's worse when it comes to things like this. Because it's not something simple you can just give an answer to & that's it everything is sorted & your cured because it's not. It's a tough & mind boggling situation but I can't change that. It's a little late to get out of it now, even if I wanted to. But I don't want to get out of it & run from it I just want to carry on & see what happens. It maybe wrong in some people's eyes & people may think little of me if they knew but I have to go after my happiness & after all no one else has to. So I've got to do what's best for me & I truly believe this could be where it lies. It's taken a little thought & time & events but I know now what I want & my heart is set on just that.
You can't help who you fall for & I've learnt that now. These things happen for many reasons. It doesn't mean it's wrong just because the situation isn't simple or easy. Nothing's ever straight forward these days & I know this certainly isn't that. Life throws different situations & emotions at you to test you & this is certainly doing that. It's taken you out of your comfort zone, into the lime light, into a situation & made you fall for someone you never thought even possible or normally you'd perhaps not notice. It's like they aren't your normal type but you get to know them & the more adorable they become, not to mention incredible by the things they have battled through & seen, until then they are the most attractive person you've met just because they are that genuine person & you like being around them. Because even at the most smallest things they make you smile. People are bound to think what do you see in them? Just drop it buts it's like what's not to see? I'm not one of worry about what others think of me so neither would I be concerned of others thoughts on this. After all it's my life & my decision to make.
My mind is so preoccupied at the moment with different things running through my mind. I guess the best thing is to keep going & see where this leads me. I just need to keep at it until I get that sign to take a step back. After all whatever's meant to be will find its way in this life <3 but if it doesn't end the way you want it you just have to think you have to feel hurt sometimes to know your alive & to learn from its mistakes & teachings.
I think everybody has that point in their life where you hit a crossroads and you’ve had a bunch of bad days and there’s different ways you can deal with it and the way I dealt with it all lately is by turning to singing & writing this thing. I'm never any good & vocally expressing my emotions to others unless it's singing a song which sums it up or writing it down so people get how I really feel because otherwise like a clown i put on a show & pretend everything is just fine. But I'm good at the now that's just me, I'm too proud to admit when ive been defeated that's half my trouble.
Sweet dreams, love Lottie xox
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