Boxing Day has been a day where I've had time to reflect & think about things. Some things that I don't want to think of & some things I love to think about. Today has been a truly emotional day. It's been one of those days where you feel like even if you was in the right frame of mind it would still get to you & make you cry.
Today I went out to visit my nana & grandads grave. Which we do every Boxing Day to wish them merry Christmas & spend some time there. It's one of those places where it's in the countryside, it's peaceful, tranquil & there's no one else around. It gives you a chance to sit & reflect on things & just take some time out & away from reality & think of them once more. Christmas is still strange without my nana being around & I think it will be for some time. She's the person missing at the table but she's the star or angel on top of the tree now & the person I carry everywhere in my heart now.
It's strange you go somewhere like that & it always makes you think so much more about everything than before. It's like when your stuck in limbo about what to do or you just want to get away it's the place you feel you could clear all that & just let everything out in your head & the only place you can sit in silence.
The past few days have been strange & to some I probably have seemed boring or irritating because of my mood. But at the moment it's still something I cannot snap out of due to the things going on in my head, the questions that are still unanswered & the feelings I can't show. It's hard to explain to some just how it really feels. I don't know whether that's because I feel people will judge me, they just wouldn't understand, they would think I was stupid or just because I don't wish to talk about it. What the reason is I truly don't know but if I did then I'd be able to say.
The way I am at the moment I knew going where I did today would just make me crack inside & bring everything up & put me in that mood even more & it has. I guess I have just felt like I have needed to be strong for too long to put on a front but sometimes there's only so much you can act out to others before something happens & breaks you & you say enough is enough.
The next few days I believe the best medicine for me is to relax, sort through my things,try to put things in my life back on track & just have time to be me.
I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it...
I have been nothing but spoilt by everyone the past few days, ate too much, drunk a fair amount of wine & even during all those moments one person has not left my mind. I can very much say they have been in my thoughts very much so.
Time to try & get some sleep I guess I think I've gabbled on quite enough.
Love Lottie xox
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