Today has seriously been one of those days where everyone irritates you & everything annoys you. I've never felt in such a ratty or irritable mood. I seriously felt I could just cry whenever anyone mentioned something to me. People probably think, Lottie has been a grumpy bitch all week snap out of it you freak. But at the moment I really can't find the right thing in order to snap me out of this. I'm just in a place where I don't know quite how to feel, yet I feel like I'm really sad & not wanting to be around anyone. Which I know isn't always the best thing for you but for me it feels like that'd be the best option.
Ever get that feeling where people constantly ask if your okay & then the next five minutes it's the same question but are you sure your okay? Do I look okay? No so please don't ask. I look like crap, I feel like crap. Then it just makes you realise even more no I'm not okay & then it gets you all upset & you end up crying. But I know it's just people caring for you & making sure your okay. Sometimes I just hope it's that they do genuinely care & they haven't come to just gossip or gloat. I wouldn't put it past some people in this world.
They always say if you can't go a day without thinking of that someone then maybe they are meant to me there? But are they? What if it's wrong that they are there? It's questionable & I guess that's what I'm stuck on as to why that person is still there & why can't I just drop it & carry on again? But sometimes things can't always be plain sailing & just leave you to have everything fall at your feet. You have to be put into difficult situations & confusing ones to get something good but something worthwhile could also come out of it. So what do you do? Erase that person from your mind & block it out or just deal with them being there & just let time decide your fate of this situation? I'm hoping in time it'll all become crystal clear or I'll get a sign as to what I should do. A clue would be great that way I can just follow that.
What do you do follow your your head or your heart? I trust my heart more than anything cos my mind just wanders through all the bad & tells me maybe I'm not meant to be happy. But my heart says stick at it cos it could just be what you was looking for. But to me that's also bad cos I really shouldn't be considering the situation I've got myself into. Blah I really don't know why do things have to be so complicated. Sometimes I just wish it was easy but then if it was I wouldn't be the person I am & I wouldn't have learned to have appreciated things so much.
I told myself not to get attached but I become attached easily especially when it's a person with a good heart. After all people like that aren't easy to come by these days. You get a good few but that's it. That's when the feeling sinks in & I didn't want to miss them like this & you want to say come back, be here.
Being away from home tomorrow will help I think. I'm hoping putting myself in different surroundings & being around my family will make me feel better & help clear my head. Sometimes I just wish I could run away from reality. Pick somewhere random on the map & just go. Don't tell anyone where I'm going just go. No one knows then how I'm doing, where I am. No one in the new place knows me, judges me, hates me, knows the stupid things I've done or knows my past or me as a person. So I can start again & just be me. But at the same time I've always said no matter where you run to your thoughts will always follow you & still be there no matter where you are in this world.
I'm going to end with a favourite quote from one of my favourite people:
Be the strong girl that everyone knew would make it through the worst, be that fearless girl, the one who would dare to do anything to be that independent girl who didn't need a man, be that girl who never backed down ; Taylor Swift <3
Love Lottie xox
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