Today I can feel myself slipping back into the bad place that I was in last week. Ever since last week I'd be a liar if I said thoughts had left my mind & I hadn't thought about it but to be honest there hasn't been a day where it hasn't left my mind. It's always right there constantly staring you in the face. It's like I don't need to be reminded everyday of thoughts in my mind & what I feel.
I often think life would be so much easier if we didn't have feelings, emotions or a heart. You could get through life then without ever feeling hurt, worthless, insecure & whatever else it brings. But I guess then you wouldn't feel love & just how that makes you feel.
People act genuine & like they care about you but really they are just trying to find out gossip about you & spread it around. People often bitch about you behind your back but they are the cowards who won't say it to your face & ask to know the truth. They must have truly exciting lives if they believe someone else's life is more interesting than their own to talk about. What a bore there lives must be.
Feeling like this is one of the worst things. I'm at the stage I don't know what to feel & my moods go from high to low so easily. One moment I'm happy & smiling away the next I feel myself going all quiet & then I shut myself away in my room. I know what my heart feels & how much it's set on that one person & the feelings I have for them but at the same time I can't help but think my feelings are going to be pointless & I'm going to get no where. After all who would want someone like me over them? Who would want me after all for a start?
I'm in a place where I think I don't blame them for not liking me. They could do so much better & they wouldn't wish to get involved with me anyway?
I don't understand why you have to feel things so bad for someone who probably doesn't give you the time of day to even think about you let alone feel what you do. It just all seems so unfair. How can it be fair to be put through that & then have feelings for someone who doesn't care back?
I'm sick of people talking about me, especially behind my back, I'm sick of having feelings for someone who really probably doesn't give a dam, I'm sick of pretending I'm okay just cos I paint a smile on my face & act like nothing's bothering me.
At night you don't sleep much & you think of how much you'd like to just text them to see if they're awake to talk to cos you feel so alone & they are the only person you want to speak to at silly o'clock in the morning. That's the person you'd rather have there at that moment in time.
Life truly is unfair, I just want one simple thing & I can't even have that...maybe I never will.
Love Lottie xox
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