When you can't sleep, feel like you can't explain all the things that you feel, feel like your chest is so tight that you can hardly breathe. Find a way of trying to release all those thoughts & tension. Writing often helps. People can read it, relate to it & you don't have to explain face to face to someone exactly how you feel. You don't have to see the expressions on their face when you try & describe what it is really like. You don't have to see that look of disappointment, shame or blank expression. To some it'll be things they don't want to hear. But to you, your the person who has to deal with it every single day, so for once why can't they picture what it must be like for you? How it must feel to feel like your constantly yoyo'ing between thoughts, emotions & moods. One minute you think your starting to rebuild yourself, the next your struggling & see no way forward. You feel like your constantly on your own & like no one understands because no one really takes the time out to listen & understand how it really feels. No ones there to hold your hand, give you a cuddle & say its going to be okay. After all you can describe it as best as you can but unless you've been in that situation you can't even begin to understand. You can't judge or call how something feels until you've walked a mile in their shoes...
The feeling of missing someone is possibly one of the worst & hardest things. They should be the person who is no longer in your thoughts but in fact they are still there with everyday that passes. Just when you think you no longer miss them & your over it something happens & bam it hits you once more. That feeling that brings back that aching feeling to your heart, that sense of feeling lost, feeling like a part of you is missing, those feelings return back. Then you realise that longing feeling & that sense of missing that person has never actually gone away. You've just found ways of distracting yourself & tricking yourself into believing that you no longer did. But pretending & trying to cover up the truth doesn't last forever. It just shows that no matter what the truth always ends up coming back to find you & shows you that your lying to yourself & that's the worst part. It's not the fact that you lie to others day in, day out & not let them see that to you it's still an open wound & raw but the fact you lie to yourself just to convince yourself that you no longer miss them & life carries on just fine without them. Life does carry on without them & the world does still go round but there was once a person who did that for you. But now you just have to make your own reasons & moments for the world to go round.
All you have left is memories. The good & the bad. No matter what happens that's the one thing people can't take away from you. So treasure them. Take those memories, keep them in a box & keep them as a keepsake in your heart & never let them go. People can take everything from you, they can hurt you, physically, mentally, but they can never take those precious memories or moments back.
It's easy for others to say forget, rebuild & move on. But it's not as simple as 1,2,3 or even A,B,C. If only it was. It's always easy for someone else to tell you what they think you should do or need to do when it's not them in your position. If they actually were in your shoes would they do what they are telling you to do? Chances are they wouldn't. They'd deal with things alot differently because to them then it's alot harder than they originally thought. It's not other people's fault that they haven't been in the place you have, neither do you hold it against them or blame them. After all you wouldn't wish such a hurtful, heartbreaking, life changing & struggling event on anyone. But the thing to remember is your not just a fighter, your now a warrior.
You have those days where: something happens during the day & all you can think is I must tell them then you stop & remember actually no I can't they aren't in my life anymore, or you'll see something during the day, smell a certain scent, or hear a certain song or film & there it is. Those memories you once had with them come back & take you back to that moment. You know in your head that you shouldn't feel the way you do & by now it should be coped with better than it is but I guess you can't rush healing. There is no correct time or time limit to how long it takes. It'll take how long it needs to, it'll make you feel rock bottom, so alone, heartbroken & hurt at times but in time it'll be gone. It's never going to completely heal & it'll always be a part of your life & something you can't ever change. No matter how much you wish you could.
No matter how much you hate to admit it for once in your life someone got to the better of you & that's the reason partly you got into the mess you did. Someone broke your trust & took away everything you ever had & felt. They knocked all the confidence out of you as if they had punched it out of you, but worst of all they took a good heart & ripped it out & tore it up into a thousand little pieces. Then laughed in your face after doing it. It's proved you can't trust anyone because even the people you love & trust have the power to make or break you. But the worst part is people are more likely to break you & that's exactly what someone has to me.
It's not all because of that one person I'm in the dark place I'm still fighting to get out now but it's one of the big reasons I am.
Everyday is a constant battle & a fight for survival. I'm just battling to keep my head above the deep water & keep myself going. But after all the strongest people are not those who show strength in front of others, but those who win battles that others know nothing about.
No matter what, once in your life someone will hurt you. That someone will take all that you are & rip it into pieces & they won't even watch where the pieces land. But through the breakdown, you'll learn something about yourself. You'll learn your strong & no matter how hard they destroy you, you can conquer anyone.
"“People cry, not because they’re weak. It’s because they’ve been strong for too long.”
Love Lottie xox
