Once again I've become rubbish at posting any kind of updates or any posts what so ever. I really need to start getting more into the hang of blogging so I do apologise as to why its once again been so long.
For anyone that knows me and that has read my blog knows of the struggle I've faced with depression and anxiety. How I've never really seemed to have found my balance in controlling it. Well things over the past month gradually got worse. It started going down hill when a thing that I thought was awful happened and it knocked me off my feet. (Well at least I think it was because of that I'm not even sure myself).
I always knew in my heart that finding someone would be hard with the issues and things that I have but i didn't realise just how hard it could prove to some people. It was then that I realised that not everyone would be comfortable with it and it could put them off me. That thought never even crossed my mind. To me it was something that I thought I had come to accept but after this it has shown me that maybe I haven't adjusted to it myself let alone for me to let someone into my life to take it on as well.
In my eyes I'm not a different person to anyone else, I might have the worst moods at time, become pretty miserable for no reason, want to spend time on my own, struggle on days but I am my own person and suffering from it doesn't make me any different to anyone else. I may be more sensitive than most people but that is it. I certainly don't deserve to be labelled because of it. Especially when it is hard enough to face and deal with, without the worry of what others see you as.
The past few weeks I have truly felt like I have been in hell. I have never struggled so much with life in general as I have. I have felt nothing but tiredness to the extreme all day everyday, not wanting to leave my bed, not wanting to be around people, every little thing that people did annoyed me, crying for no reason to people and on my own, whatever advice people gave me i've just turned my nose up at it, no motivation or enjoyment to do anything and just genuinely not seeing a purpose in life itself. The more you feel like you do the more annoyed at yourself you become for letting yourself get to this point and feeling like you lose all control of it and it just takes over you. But the two worst things I have found this time is seeing close friends upset over me because they are concerned about me and aren't able to help me. The last thing I want to do is upset people, to see them so frustrated because they do not know how to help me. The second thing is getting to that point where even I can no longer help myself because even I don't know what to do with me anymore. It was at that point I guessed that something wasn't right and that something needed to give in order for me to get myself back before it was too late & i got lost completely....
So nearly a week ago I booked up to go to see my doctor and this time for someone to come to that appointment with me because lets face it I was at one of the weakest points i've ever been at & i needed someone to help me by speaking up for me because I felt i couldn't speak up for myself at the moment. I think taking someone with me made it that little bit more bearable. The fact I didn't have to speak up and say the words and admit to someone out loud how I was actually feeling inside was abit of a weight lifted off my shoulders. Whatever happened I did NOT want for my medication to be changed. I did not want to be put up to a stronger dosage & become more reliable on something that's just going to be a short term fix for me. During the appointment i was advised I am suffering from moderate/severe depression which to me was really no surprise in the way that I have been feeling. I have been referred for counselling for me to finally try to open up about things and try to find myself again. Only thing is I am a stubborn person who hates opening up and talking to anyone about my issues and events in my life. But I have learnt I have got to start somewhere, In order to heal this may hurt like hell and make me feel worse for a while but I need to break through the barrier in order to get myself better again.
I am a good pretender and I can fake a happy place and put it on to others. I've been told I'm very good at acting out the strong person and like everything is okay. But I got to the point I could no longer do that and that is hard to admit to anyone when you can't even hide behind that anymore.
I have had a very few select friends and family members that have been there for me through every step of the way. The others who cannot be bothered to reply to a text or even talk about it with me I no longer have the time for. Just because it's not a physical illness that people can visually see, it should still be treated as if it is. No one deserves to be treated differently because of it but I certainly DONT deserve to be ignored over it. But I guess that is just another lesson for me to learn during this tough time. I just hope that one day if they ever find themselves in my shoes then they will realise what it's like to feel let down and alone when they are in such a dark & vulnerable place.
On days I mask it well but I try not to let it show to others. But on my bad days I'm glad to have my amazing nephew Jake around. He gives you one look & you cannot help but smile back at him. It's like he just knows you need that little bit of love & boy does he give it. Being an auntie to this little miracle boy is the best thing in the world to me & something I treasure more than anything. I get to be daft around him, make silly noises, pull funny faces & see him smile & giggle back at me melts my heart. I think of how strong Jake was when he was born so extremely premature & I think to myself if he can be that strong so small then I can be strong & fight this to the other side. He doesn't realise how incredible he is but when he gets older his auntie Lottie will be sure to tell him just how much he helps her without realising. I love you little man so much <3
I also thought my life would be different by now. That by my age I would be happy, in a relationship, thinking more about marriage & starting a family of my own. But I am no way near that place. The only thing i have ever really wanted in life is to be happily married & have a family of my own. But for me that has not happened how I hoped so much it would. Instead I've had to get myself better. People always say your still so young but I'm getting no younger & I do not want to be old before I get to do everything. That's not how I wanted my life to be but it certainly wasn't meant to be like this. But it is what it is. I just hope one day I will get all that I wanted in life.
"You don't know why you're exhausted? You're fighting a war inside your head every single day. If thats not exhausting I don't know what is".
Love Lottie xox
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