It's been forever since I've wrote anything so I am abit rusty but stick with me I'll get back to it. When I say it's been forever it actually has. I don't know where time has gone. It sure has flown by that's for sure.
Well what can I say has happened since last time I wrote. Well pretty much a lot has happened in a year & my life has been turned upside down & definitely tested!
On Monday 9th February 2015 I lost one of the best & most important men in my life. My grandad. Ever since then it's hurt like hell & I miss him more than words can say. They are right when they say he only takes the best because he did when he took my grandad. You cannot get any better than him. It's the hardest thing watching someone fade away slowly & have to say goodbye to their lifeless body & just let them take him away. You see their life just drain away from their face till they are no longer there. You just have to try & remind yourself you cannot be selfish & keep them around when they are suffering & in pain. But I know me & I know I am selfish & find that fact hard to accept because i just needed him around.
"This is the reading I wrote to be read out for my grandads funeral (23rd February 2015)
I see it as not only an honour but a privilege to be able to pay tribute to such an amazing man, the man we were lucky enough to call our grandad. He lived his life to the full & touched so many people during his time here with us. We all have a kaleidoscope of memories that we will always carry with us. Which is a key thing to remember because no matter what people cannot take away the memories away from you. Those memories are sometimes all you are left with.
Everyone that was lucky enough to meet grandad they would be walking out of the room by the end of it laughing & smiling because his personality was comical & shone through. He loved having his own phrases. Like every Thursday night when nanny & grandad came round to ours when you kissed him goodnight he would sit & point his finger & wait for us to say his phase back to him "no noise up there" he'd say. The longer you took to reply with the phrase he wanted to hear he'd sit & wag his finger more. You couldn't help but laugh. On those dark days where everything & everyone annoys you just an hour or so with grandad & by the end of it the smile was back on your face.
We can honestly say that Monday 9th February 2015 our lives were altered & someone took away the most treasured & biggest part of my family away from us. We could never be prepared for the time we had to let you go even though we knew one day there would come a time.
From the day we were born he was always around. We all grew up with grandad being right there at our side. He was one of the most important & constant men in my life & im glad we shared so many good times together & we have our collection of memories for him to live on through. I know the phrases we shall carry on & we will ensure that our Jake & any other great grandchildren learn all about their amazing great grandad.
Today we'll grieve for you, cry for you & even smile because of you.... A day like today grandad would say I'm alright it's the others.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name, now all I have are memories & your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping & I have you in my heart"
Sweet dreams Grandad & rest easy with a pint of fosters in one hand. The world will be a darker place now but we have you as an angel all around.
"No noise up there"
Love your gabby x"
I see it as not only an honour but a privilege to be able to pay tribute to such an amazing man, the man we were lucky enough to call our grandad. He lived his life to the full & touched so many people during his time here with us. We all have a kaleidoscope of memories that we will always carry with us. Which is a key thing to remember because no matter what people cannot take away the memories away from you. Those memories are sometimes all you are left with.
Everyone that was lucky enough to meet grandad they would be walking out of the room by the end of it laughing & smiling because his personality was comical & shone through. He loved having his own phrases. Like every Thursday night when nanny & grandad came round to ours when you kissed him goodnight he would sit & point his finger & wait for us to say his phase back to him "no noise up there" he'd say. The longer you took to reply with the phrase he wanted to hear he'd sit & wag his finger more. You couldn't help but laugh. On those dark days where everything & everyone annoys you just an hour or so with grandad & by the end of it the smile was back on your face.
We can honestly say that Monday 9th February 2015 our lives were altered & someone took away the most treasured & biggest part of my family away from us. We could never be prepared for the time we had to let you go even though we knew one day there would come a time.
From the day we were born he was always around. We all grew up with grandad being right there at our side. He was one of the most important & constant men in my life & im glad we shared so many good times together & we have our collection of memories for him to live on through. I know the phrases we shall carry on & we will ensure that our Jake & any other great grandchildren learn all about their amazing great grandad.
Today we'll grieve for you, cry for you & even smile because of you.... A day like today grandad would say I'm alright it's the others.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name, now all I have are memories & your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping & I have you in my heart"
Sweet dreams Grandad & rest easy with a pint of fosters in one hand. The world will be a darker place now but we have you as an angel all around.
"No noise up there"
Love your gabby x"
But also with the bad we have had the good. On the 8th June 2014 my sister gave birth to my beautiful nephew Jake. Who was very premature born at just 23 weeks & 1 day. It was incredible seeing a baby so so small. You cannot even begin to imagine how tiny they truly are yet how well formed they are at even that stage. A year later & he has just celebrated his first birthday. I truly adore & cherish my nephew & to me he really is the best, happy, content & most strong little boy. I love him so much & he makes our lives have a space more filled. He certainly was a missing part of the jigsaw to our family.
However due to all the ups & downs my dark place still comes & goes. At times I feel it's well controlled then it just drops again. Now on 30mg citalopram my dose was upped when I still found my days were more dark than they were happy & im still in that place. I guess you could say something happens & I can be back at square one again. It can be the smallest or yet biggest thing that triggers it off but boy do I struggle. Just when I think I'm in a happy place it all comes crashing down. With no way of stopping it. I know full well I'm not the same person I used to be & I don't think I'll ever be that person again. But I do hope one day I will be better & stronger for this. But right now everyday is a struggle & it's hard to know what to do. It's not something that's easy to speak of not with everyone anyway as they simply don't understand but you do wish someone could in order to help you & set you back on the straight but sometimes that person doesn't want to help you do so & that's life I guess. I don't know what my future holds but I do hope it means getting my depression under control & sorting my life out after its aftermath.
Anyway I've gabbled on for far too long.
Speak soon.
Sweet dreams
Lottie xox
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