So I'm back to the whole not sleeping thing again & surviving on like minimal sleep it seems. I seem to go from one extreme to the other. One minute I can't get enough sleep & the next I can't drift off & stay there. It can't be because reality is better than dreaming because my gosh it's truly not in my life.
The past few days have just got harder & harder. I was hoping that miles apart & it would make things easier & I'd know my own mind then...but I don't. I'm still stuck at the same place. I guess you could say I've realised my feelings a lot more now but it's only pointed out to me that perhaps they were stronger than I ever thought. It's a wake up call to realise after all this time that, that one person that has been there the whole time is the person that can make things so complicated, confusing & make you also realise your true feelings for. I seem to have a jinx of making things difficult & turning people against me to hate me.
I feel like the person who has stood by me through everything & always been in my life is this person that I've now lost. You can't change how you feel & neither should you have to. It's like apologising for not being real. I truly feel like I have lost them tho & I don't know how to make it better & get them back. My life has changed in the past few days & it's not for a better change :(
Words cannot explain the heavy weight of my chest & the pains that are back there. I remember when I first got diagnosed with depression I had this pain on my chest & it feels twice as strong now. It weighs you down to the point you feel like you can't breathe because your chest is too heavy to inhale & exhale.
Im starting to think there is something wrong with me. Maybe my depression issues put people off it change their opinion on me...
I just wish things were different :(
Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you have seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish that they were right there with you.
Goodnight world,
Lottie xox
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