A Blow To The Heart

23:19pm

The last few days have been horrible. I've felt like I've been living a nightmare & each time I've been desperately hoping I'll awake to find it's not true & it's not happened. But I know now that's not the case, it's not just a nightmare, it's become reality...

When someone so close to you, someone you think the world of, someone who you worship the ground they walk on, someone who has been by your side for years, someone who you trust with your life, adore, treasure & love does you wrong it cuts like a knife. There is no other way of describing it than feeling like someone has taken a knife from the kitchen drawer & stabbed it deep in your heart & just kept twisting it & twisting it in. Till it is embedded not only your heart but stuck replaying in your head too. Your chest feels heavy & tight like someone is constantly holding down a heavy weight on your chest & you aren't strong enough to take the weight of it. 

When your normally a forgiving person it's hard when you then think this time I don't know whether I can forget & that's the thing. If I can't forget how can you possibly forgive? 

I've truly learnt feelings get in the way of things. They can make a relationship stronger or sometimes they can break a friendship. Feelings aren't something you can just switch on & off. Life would be much simpler if you could simply switch off your feelings for someone just like flicking off a light switch in the home. Maybe then things wouldn't be so complicated... But they are now & that can't be changed. Once feelings are made clear there is no way of taking it back. But why should you have to hide your feelings? Simply because it can ruin things so much that it can make the strongest & most beautiful thing broken. 

I can truly say I've learnt that....

How can treasuring someone so much be such a bad thing?

How can something so special fall apart so quickly? 

How can someone hurt you in such a way you feel your chest get heavy & your heartbreak? 

How can you feel so lost without having someone around after just a day? 

How can you get back what you think you've now lost? Or make it into something better? 

All these "how can" questions but how can you live without them that's the most important question to ask yourself :( 

If only life was simpler I'd have the perfect fairytale by now. Sometimes it makes me question whether I ever will now.... 

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

Sweet dreams, 

Lottie xox