It's been so long since I've wrote an entry to my blog. I guess you could say it's a lack of effort & forgetting. But here I am writing another entry for the world to see.
It's been around 5 months now since I was diagnosed with severe depression. My medication has been changed a few times & had the strength uped in order to try & level my moods. I have to go back to my doctor every month to two months to be monitored & reviewed. I'm lucky to have had an understanding doctor. The thing I was afraid of was sitting there in a room & being judged like your some mad person. I know they aren't meant to judge you but what's to say they don't?
Over those 5 months I've also had therapy & counselling alongside my medication. The thought of speaking to a complete stranger about things in my life seemed all abit strange. I guess you could say for a while it helped. I had sessions of CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) which tries to help you change the way you think so you break yourself out of the negative circle before you get trapped into it. I found that hard to break & still to this day do find that easy to carry out. I also had sessions in mindfulness which is a type of meditation that can change the way you think, feel, etc. I downloaded an app onto my iPhone called headspace which gives you exercises day to day to help you relax & change your way of thinking. At the start I carried this out everyday but soon became bored of it & lost concentration easily just like everything I seem to lately. The relaxation was to help tackle the chest pains I suffered due to anxiety & help ease the tension there during my depression. The pains in my chest are no longer there but on a bad day or when I return back through a bad phase they do return. I will admit that while having a counsellor I couldn't open up & tell them everything it just didn't feel right telling someone I didn't know about my issues, flaws & everything else. Maybe that is one reason as to why I didn't find it 100% effective who knows. At the same time it was good to be able to talk to someone who is there for you & understands where you are coming from & doesn't find you odd for suffering the way you do & feeling the emotions that you do.
My life has carried on & I have my good days & bad days. I find myself at times going through really bad phases. Especially at the moment where I feel I am far from myself. I don't know what it is but I feel like something at the moment is eating away at me & holding me back from letting me be myself. I can't explain it well which makes me sound daft. I sat in my room earlier being creative & I had the tele on & it was like background noise & all I could think was how my mind is working. I changed the channel & put music on then all I could think was how I can relate to it. It's so odd because it's something deep inside. It's a sinking feeling right down in my tummy & a constant ache. I don't know why or what to do to make it go. I just have to wait for something happen to bring me back. It's like I'm a child going round & round on a carousel but the carousel won't stop, I'm just getting dizzy & until I become myself again I can't stop & get off. It's an odd feeling.
I know I'm bound to have a relapse & I'll have these dark days still because I'm yet to be cured. Truth is I never 100% will be cured from this I know that. It's something that's always going to be apart of me & certain things or people trigger it off. Those are the things I need to try & keep myself away from to ensure no trigger is set off.
To some people might think I'm telling others too much & you shouldn't speak so openly of it but I've learnt it's best to. There is nothing wrong with suffering a mental illness & some day it could happen to you. It can happen to anyone. I never thought it would happen to me. I was always a strong, stubborn person but it defeated me & changed me.
Depression is a selfish & lonely place. It can make the best of people suffer & cause so much suffering & heartache. It changes you as a person, helps you learn who will still see you for you & not as a freak. But the most important lesson it's taught me is it's making me a stronger person.
Sweet Dreams,
Love Lottie
xox
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