Life's full of let downs

23:27pm

It's been a while since I've written I guess you could say a few things have changed. Things are as uncomfortable as ever. I mean I have my better days. I have those days where I've never felt so uncomfortable & no tablets can change it. Then other days I'm fine & forget & I can be normal again. But 8days till my 2nd operation then hopefully it'll be all over with & I can go back to doing the things I enjoy & need to do in order to rebuild my life & me back up. All the time I'm at this stage it feels impossible. 

Since it all started people have been supportive. It's true what they say during the dark times you find out who your true ones are. I certainly did that. You have those few people who are there checking on you everyday ensuring your okay & checking up on you. They surprise you with flowers & get well messages just to simply brighten your day & give you a pick me up. People have said to me I'm brave & I've coped well with it but sometimes you have no choice when life throws things at you. You just have to deal with it because you can't change it. Thing is no one can its just one of those things. So you just have to face it like you do everything else...face on. When you have no choice brave is the only thing you can have. 

Right now slowly one by one people are disappearing from my life. People who were once there are no longer the constants in my life when I need them. People seem to have become too wrapped in their own lives to notice the down hill spiral in which your life is taking. I get people soon have priorities when lives change but they just make you feel like you are no longer one of them. So through those moments you become closer to others. Well not really others just my bestie. The only person who I can souly rely on at the moment & that I know won't let me down. She's the only person I go to. I've got to the point where other people don't care to listen or try to understand so I stop trying to explain & just keep quiet. Silence is the easiest way & it speaks a thousand words. I guess you could say I feel let down by people & secluded because they all have their lives made & I'm still trying to fit mine together & work through it. I don't have what others have & no not everyone does but that doesn't mean you should be made out to feel different. You just get to the point where your sick & tired of even talking that silence is what you crave. Your own company along with some background music is the best therapy. Because that doesn't make you feel left out, music is the only thing you relate to & sums it up. That's why I enjoy singing because when you can talk about it you can get your emotions across in a song by singing it for others to realise.

I guess it's not just that, that's bothering me at the moment. It's something else that after a considerate amount of time got brought back up & there it was staring me right back in the face. The same confusing, draining & roller-coaster ride. They are the moments you saw sparks that weren't really there, felt stars aligning without having any proof, saw your future before it happened, & then saw it skip away without any warning. They were the moments of hope, wishful  thinking. It's the thing that went from zero to a hundred miles per hour & then hit a wall & exploded. It was awful, ridiculous,desperate, thrilling & when the dust settled, it was something I'd never take back. Because there is something to it & something that leaves you wanting it. There are days where it feels like your waiting all day for a train that's never coming but you keep waiting because if that train comes it could take you on that journey to that happy, safe & content place that you've always wanted to go. Do you give that up or carry on waiting?

No one can decide for you, your in charge of making your own decisions & opinions. Never let anyone tell you what to do. If they don't like your decisions & choose to not support you then so be it. They aren't the true people you need in your life. The ones who think your crazy, but still try to understand, stand by your decision & pick up the pieces when your left crying are the ones who you should keep. 

“I believe this: You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot before the other, and goddamn it, you refuse to let it get to you. you fight. you cry. You curse. Then you go about your business of living. That's how I've done it. There's no other way.” 

Love Lottie xox