So once again it's stupid o'clock & I'm laying here still awake. It's so frustrating one minute I'm so sleepy then when I get into bed I can't sleep. You kind of just lay there & think about the days events & still lay there & think about the things you know you shouldn't. You think of the people you shouldn't be thinking about & the memories that don't leave you but sometimes wish they would. Night times are the hardest. They are the moments when the world becomes darker, time stands still & you feel even more alone than normal. Nights seem nothing more than dark hours to reflect & dream about those things or situations you can't actually have in real life. So you have to dream about it because that's the closest you'll ever get to it? Seems that way. I have to say I'm not really one to dream when I do actually sleep but lately I do & it's always about the same thing. The stories that occur are different but the person is always the same. I used to think dreams told us things that were going to happen now I just think they are a cause of something or someone who was playing on your mind before you went to sleep. Nothing more, nothing less. After all if I got what I dreamt of I'd be one content & far less damaged person.
Things lately I guess you could say are at the same point as they were. I'm still feeling like I'm on my own & no one wants to listen or play the smallest bit of attention to how I do actually still feel. I think people see what they wish to see & as long as they see a smile they think your cured. Little do they know that actually your pretty still fxcked up & damaged property. But to them that's not there responsibility. People haven't been a great support structure & I find myself being my own rock & helping hand. I found no one sticks up for me they let me defend for myself & let people hurt me & say it bothers them but they don't batter an eyelid & help by discussing it with you or to the people that hurt you. They just let them get away with it & to you it feels as though they've turned their back on you & left you to defend alone because they aren't fussed what goes on. After all it's not them that this has been left with. I'm now becoming more independent & learning to stick up for myself after all I've tip toed around enough people who think they are a help, support, or so called friend when they really do nothing beneficial. To me I see it as though I'm getting myself through this because everyone else seems uninterested & like its nothing to do with them. They act like they get what's going on, they are angry by what happened yet they let it happen & say nothing. I know if it was me I'd be the first one to speak up for them & have someone's back but I guess no one really did have mine...
The quicker I get away from this place for abit the better. Right now distance between me & everyone couldn't be bigger.
Love Lottie xox
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