Alone

23:49pm
I think night times are probably the worse. You've spent all day in people's company & suddenly when all the hustle & bustle is over & your all alone reality kicks back in & bam down you fall more. You often enjoy your own company but at the moment it's like it's just your own worse enemy. Once time on your own was a time to reflect & positively move on but now it's just full of negative thoughts & feeling like where do I even start to clear this mess? If you knew that then this wouldn't be such an issue.

You get to stages in your life where you think during hard times people often just wander away from you & leave you alone because they've had enough of you going on about your trials & tribulations. They think oh look it's the same old boring thing your unhappy because someone's done something to upset you, or your doing it simply for attention get over it. So they just don't contact you, don't question how you are & carry on like nothing's wrong. You understand people have there own lives to deal with but at the same time support & a friend to be there for you wouldn't go a miss. It truly shows just how selfish people can be & half the time they aren't even phased about how your doing & how you truly are coping with everything. They see it as though you have a smile on your face & talking about normal things so everything must be just fine. But what they don't realise is some people are the types of people who will just paint a smile on their face, dress like there's nothing wrong & talk about anything other than the issue. That's because sometimes that's the easiest thing to do. But it would be nice to be offered that option wouldn't it? If you wanted someone there to talk to whether it be about the issues or about things in general then they were there for you to. Not to have someone there & feel like your all on your own is worse... That's what I feel. I've got to the point where I feel as though no one really gives a shit about me or what's going on in my head, no one seems to ask or check they just leave me to get on with it. When I want to talk to someone it's as though I can't because no one wants to listen so it's easier to just write it down & have it read. After all pen & paper or writing your own words down in whatever form will never be able to answer back or tell you, your doing wrong.

What once seemed like a sprint has now turned into a marathon. What was once a situation I could handle, I no longer can. What once was a strong person, no longer is.

I dislike the way people treat me lately as though I don't exist & as though I've changed seems to be the most common thing. Neither one of those two things are fair. It's one of the reasons I am & feel like I am now.

Nothing ever changes & I'm still trying to find my way back but people keep knocking me back & the little things. There's only so many times people can make you feel so small, insignificant & belittle you before it starts to effect you & knock you further down.

Lottie xox