Struggle

23:26pm

Things at the moment aren't the greatest. You could say ive got too much going on in my life. Some of them are situations I've got myself into some are just situations life has thrown at me. My life just seems to be one crappy situation to another. I just feels like nothing ever comes my way that's good. But why? Am I some jinx of a person or some undeserving person that I don't deserve the good? I'm really starting to question it.

I've started to realise there are some things in your life you won't ever get over. They may get a little easier but truth is they are still always there. They are like luggage you carry around everywhere with you & you can't shake them off. Okay so they shape you as a person & make you learn but how many life teachings & crappy situations do you need? No matter what it's always something that's in the back of you mind & like a scar you wear it you just choose to cover it up. You think your over it & pretend to others you are cos lets face it no one wants damage goods & no one wants to listen to a person who goes on. So the easiest thing is to try & push it to the back of your mind but if only it was that simple. To others it's fine it's not something they have to deal with day in & day out. It's crazy all the little details you can remember. You remember things others don't. It's amazing what your mind & heart chose to remember & hold on to even tho you could do without it. Maybe it's because those memories are the last thing you have of that person so you hold on to those with both hands tight because those are the only thing people can't take away <3

I've never felt so let down by people as much as I do now. You put so much time & effort into a friendship to get nothing back. The worst thing is spending all your time with someone & having them be there for you for them to then act as though you no longer exist. Sometimes people grow apart but true friends stick together. They have your back no matter what the situation whether they agree with it or not, they give you all the time in the world cos they want to be there for you & get you through. The others now I have realised are too wrapped up in there own little worlds to even care. Before the roles were once reversed & you was there for them but now it's vice versa they are no longer there. It's true what they say through the tough times you learn who your true ones are cos they stay by your side no matter what & lately I can honestly say my friends that have stuck by me i can count on one hand. To me that's awful but I've learnt now who I will put effort into & who I no longer will. It takes a few seconds to send a text, a few seconds to say hello & ask how you are. Friendships are a two way thing NEVER a one sided thing. Friendships shouldn't have to be some big effort or one of those things where you feel you just need more time to squeeze it in. You shouldn't have to make time for your friends because no matter what they should be your top priority because they are yours so you should be there's. If that's not the case they are undeserving of your time anymore. I no longer need people who can't give me support & have my back. You don't want to be there for me & pay an interest in mine I won't in yours. Too many people have walked out of my life lately & I'm tired of chasing them. I no longer have the time or going to let myself get upset over them. Because I'm sick & tired feeling like I'm on my own & only have myself to get through. Sometimes I feel I do & that's a battle on it's own as it is.

When someone treats you like your just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by removing yourself from the equation. Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do. Because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you. It's not pride - it's self respect. Don't expect to see positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people. Don't give part time people a full time position in your life. Know your value & what you have to offer & never settle for anything less than what you deserve <3

From now on I'm only surrounding myself with my few true ones, the rest can be closed away in an old chapter. I'm going to be haunted from the past in the next few months when it comes anyway. That's going to be a struggle enough on it's own. Just another battle to fight & something else to try & break me down.

Sweet dreams, Lottie xox