It's been oh so long since I've wrote here. I guess you could say there's been a lot going on as always. Mostly bad things but in some of that has been the good.
I've not been very well lately & I've been in alot of pain & discomfort. I'm hoping the doctors can make it go away & I can go back to normal again. Because right now I feel far from normal. I'm constantly tired & feeling like I could sleep for 126743 years but with so much on my mind I never sleep. I simply lay there till I fall asleep. Then the next day I'm ratty & tired again. I thought over time it would of got better but it hasn't. I have my good days where the pains not there & I feel fine then the next it's back even stronger than ever then I'm back to feeling like rubbish. I just don't want to be going through the same thing in which 4years I went through because at that time it didn't hold good memories & a bad experience of being left alone to deal with it always stays in my mind. I know that person isn't in my life anymore but it's still a difficult thing to discuss I guess you could say.
Throughout the whole time of starting to feel ill, under going tests & waiting for my results I can truly say I have had some amazing support from some of my friends & my family have been great as always. These people have made my everyday easier, they've been there to talk to whenever I've needed them to, they've looked after me & checked up on me, they've fussed over me, you name it they've done it. I don't think I could get through this without all that support & love from people. They are making this easier to get through. Words cannot describe how truly grateful I am to those people & how much I'll always have there back now they've proved once more they've always got mine. As for the people that haven't they no longer warrant my time or effort. As far as I'm concerned if they desert you during times of need then they don't deserve to be there during the good times.
People are so quick to judge it seems. You get yourself into a situation & have no way to really get out of it. You could in a way if you wanted to but there really is no straight forward solution to solve it. People only see it the way they want to. They don't see it for what it really is & they aren't the ones who have to feel the feelings you feel for that person or the emotions it brings. They just see it as something you shouldn't even be considering as you have no chance in hell. People are entitled to their own opinions but how much of their opinion should influence your decision? No matter what people are always going to see it from a different point of view, because they are an outsider to it maybe that's better but they don't know what's right for you they can only say it for what they think.
When you never planned to get yourself into such a situation & it just happened you can't help that, at the beginning you could of been stronger but when it happens in such a way it's out of your control you can't. No matter how much you try, you give in to them just because of how the person is & the way it makes you feel. It's upsetting to think people think of it as just a silly situation which you stupidly got yourself into & that it seems to them as though it's simply a school girl "crush". It's then you realise what people think. You shouldn't worry what people think of it & you shouldn't expect anyone to understand even when you can't explain it for yourself. Not everything needs to be labelled, it is what it is. Not everything is mapped out for us & normal. It doesn't always happen in the way we want it to. It can happen at any point at anytime. If it's going to happen it's going to, nothing can stop that neither can you. Once someone steals your heart & captures your interest that's it, you can't help who you fall for sadly. Sometimes it'd be easier if you could then it might be easier but we can't. There is no right or wrong situation to get in. It might not be ideal but what is these days? You fall for someone after events you can't change that & why should you? Because others believe it's wrong? Because people think it's a "crush" that'll pass in a couple of days & it's some kind of distraction? If you like someone you like someone you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of that just because it's not your normal kind of situation to be in.
There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head & you can hear the names they used to call you, the words they used to tell you. You memorise their laugh, their smile & their silly ways. You can also feel their arms around you & you don't want them to let go even though you know it is just an illusion. Everytime your phone rings, you smile because you think it's them that is calling. Everytime you hear their name your heart beats 100 times faster & sometimes you can't even breathe. You knew that looking back on the tears would make you laugh but you never knew looking back on the laughs would also make you cry. All you want to do is go back in time. Not to that first time you met, to the time you were known as nothing but strangers. But no matter what your in denial. You hide your feeling so no one would know. You put on a fake smile & won't let a single tear break through. Your so used to hiding your feelings, that you don't even realise the pain your causing yourself. Your thoughts become invisible. It's still there but no one knows. Like a love letter you didn't show & your hurting no one but yourself.
"When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he’s everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realise that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realise the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he’s not easy to spot; he’s really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect smile."
Love Lottie xox
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