You know them days where you just want to switch off your phone, so no one can contact you. You don't have to listen to anyone going on, telling you of their opinions, trying to say those words to make you feel better about things & most importantly you haven't got to answer that question you hate answering constantly those 3 words that some how you now hate hearing simply because it gets tiring answering it all the time. Those 3 little words "Are you okay?" You know it comes from the right place sometimes & it comes from the heart from some people because they are the small few who DO geninuley care about you & your wellbeing. They mean well but it's just a question you don't want to keep answering when you aren't quite so sure yourself of just how to answer them without wanting to seem rude & also you aren't sure just how you feel at that moment in time.
Silence is a killer, the worst thing is being ignored. It's like those moments you want to scream out to that person but you can't because you know your words wouldn't be heard, neither are they perhapes welcome. It's best to be hurt with the words of others than suffer in silence of the things that aren't being said. Because silence is often more painful than words. The not knowing & the questioning is like a mind game. It's one of those annoying puzzles you can't work out & goes uncompleted. You rattle your brain trying to figure it out & when you think you have, you check back through it again,the facts,events & you think that's it puzzle solved. But then out of the blue bam something changes & your left with that thought hanging over your mind, the questions, the unanswered questions.
Just when you thought you knew someone & what they were about. People then change just like at a click of a finger. They become someone you thought they wouldn't & you think to yourself do i even wish to know them as person anymore? But in your heart you know you do, your just lying to yourself trying to convience yourself that you don't but you know you can't just drop a thing like this just like that. It would be easier if you could drop it like the drop of a hat but you can't.
When someone treats you in such a different way & changes more towards you than the weather changes then sometimes you have to think to yourself it's time to act in the same way. If you blank someone & treat them in the same way : don't acknowledge them, make eye contact with them,greet them then in time they will notice it & if they care they will act upon it & change towards you & realise what they are doing. They will then show you some sign & approach you because it will bother them. Play them at there own game. Cos you have to pretend they don't make a difference as hard as that can be cos you know that couldn't be far from the truth.
The weight of your chest feels heavy again, it feels like it's hard to breathe. The feeling of feeling suffocated. But what's the point in telling people for them to think it's all drama & it's not true? The thoughts are best left kept to yourself so no one can judge & fail to understand. You feel alone & like no one cares or gets quite whats going on in your head but no one seems to be taking the time out to try & get to know & understand they just think of themselves & that's what you have to learn to do. Put yourself first, fuck everyone else & if they need you there. Put yourself first & the one's who fail you & haven't been around for you lately because they've been too wrapped up in themselves then leave them behind or just don't be there for them next time they need it. They failed you when you needed them, they wasn't at your side so why run to be at theirs? I know i'm no longer being that weak person to give in & do that.
Things have to fall apart in order to fit back together again.
Sometimes it looks like everything is falling apart and all you do fails, but you have to stay strong. Night is always darkest before dawn & your life is just the same - The hard times will pass, everything will get better & the sun will shine brighter than ever.
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