Been a while

23:47pm
It's been a while since I've wrote something on here. I guess you could say things have been abit up, down.
For the past week now I've been in pain with my foot which I found out I've done something to my Achilles' tendon. People don't lie when they say it's painful. My foot is constantly swollen & my toes look like poor little fat stubs. Not to mention it being hard to walk on that foot. They tell you to rest it & I'm on crutches but how can you rest when your constantly on the go? I've never seen the sense in that. It's frustrating I can't do alot & I can't walk far the only good thing is I've never slept better than since when this started. I fall in a deep sleep & I'm constantly worn out by the end if the day. Whereas things before going on in my mind would keep me awake.

People sometimes try to test your patience. I guess they just like to see how far they can push you & how you'll react. But why do that? Why put someone you so called care about through that? It's mind boggling. I don't see how by treating someone in such a bad way you can expect to keep someone in your life?

All I can say is at the moment I don't know where Im quite at in my mind. I mean I've work things out of what I want to do about certain situations & for me now it feels right. It's just hard when the other person then changes & makes life difficult for you. They change the way they act towards you, they ignore you, shut you out, blank you as if you don't even exist. Do they think you wouldn't notice? Or that it doesn't hurt you because no you don't have feelings because your not human. They couldn't be more wrong. You notice the change within a day, the cold shoulder, the change in looks, the ignorance. When all you want is just a hello & that smile that gets stuck in your head but that couldn't be further away.

People always burst your bubble & it's as if they do these little things to say maybe you haven't made the right decision take time to think again. But in my mind that's not necessary. When I know what I want that's it my mind set doesn't change.

Feeling let down by people is one of the worst things. Especially when they are your best friends & the people you thought you could always count on no matter what the weather. But I've come to realise you actually can't. You'll have a few of those friends that will stick by you & constantly check your okay & be there when you need them. The others just find it an effort to send a text even every now & then to check your okay, carry on with their lives & make you feel like your no longer apart of that life & have no place in it. They cut you out, let you down & it's hard to say it but your disappointed in them for what they've done & how they've acted & changed towards you. You shouldn't have to chase people, try to get people to be there, to listen. If they are too wrapped up in their own lives then let them carry on with that. If you have no place in theirs then why should they have a place in yours. After all if the roles where reversed they would want you there for them.

Tonight I've spoke my mind alot to a few people but it's nothing more than what's needed. I'm sick & tired of being the person that fades into the background, the person people forget about, the person people tend to walk all over, lie to, make promises to. But most of all I'm sick & tired of people pretending they genuinely care & are a friend when they have done nothing but fail me lately. I don't care if people read this & panic it's about them. As far as I'm concerned let them question that after all if they've been a good enough friend they wouldn't have to. So no I'm not tip toeing around people. Time for them to know some home truths.

I'm falling asleep now & getting even more ratty so I best go to bed. Even though that's going to be with the one person stuck on my mind...

Sweet dreams,
Love Lottie xox