So,i feel like I'm stuck in limbo right now on how I feel. One minute I think I'm doing the right thing & I just need to not give up the next I think just give up Lottie it's never going to be, learn to leave it cos it's going to end up in tears & you'll be the one in tears.
I've learnt not to give up easily without a fight & keep at something if it's what you want. But some things are different you have to learn what's right to fight for & what's not & this now I don't know whether it's right?surely if it is right you wouldn't question yourself?
People bring things up to you that they've spoke about with regards to your situation & not told you certain things that they think about it. Then it gets brought up & you think do you really that? How comes you never told me? I can take it I'm a big girl I don't need protecting I can handle the truth. If they think someone is bad for you & they don't approve why should it matter? Because they are your friends & they look out for it's what they do. But sometimes I think surely it shouldn't matter as long as I come out happy at the end of this.
Sometimes you can question how well you know a person & how much they've told you & acted towards you is the truth. Something happens or something is said & it makes you step back & think hang on what if that's true & it wasn't how you thought it was with them & you were just seeing things differently because you wanted to see it like that. Right now I'm beginning to wonder how much of this was true & how much of it was all lies.
Things would be so much easier if I didn't question things so much & I didn't over think things. I'm a culprit big time for doing these things. But I really cannot help it it's just the way I am.
Right now I feel like I'm drifting apart from a few people in my life & that's sad. I never wanted that to happen & I don't know why it is. People just change towards you I guess. Whether that's due to what's happened or maybe just because they have bigger things in their lives now & I'm just not apart of that anymore. People have started to make me feel so small & insignificant & yes I do have feelings & yeah I do actually notice it. All the little things I notice.
Some people are just good at putting on a brave face, acting all jolly & normal, putting on their make up & carrying on like everything is just fine. I'm one of those people. While underneath my mind is somewhere else, my mind is in limbo, deep in thought, upset & confused. But no one sees that? They see the normal happy Lottie & think everything is okay she's back to normal but I'm truly not. The day I'm back to normal is when these thoughts & feelings go & I know where my mind is at & I've decided what I'm actually doing. But right now I haven't got a clue & I'm feeling suffocated by it.
Think of something you've always wanted? Got it? Now think of how long you had wanted that for? How you would do anything to get it? How happy when you got it, it made you feel? That's how I want to feel. I want to feel like if I stick at this then I'm going to be that happy person but I can't guarantee that. No one can mind.
I just want to know what I'm meant to do here, for people to act normal to me again, to be there for us even if they disagree with what I'm doing, to not gossip behind by back & tell us what they honestly think & for that one person to just give answers & clues then maybe I wouldn't be having to go through this right now.
I have not been made to feel like this for a while. I've not been made to feel like I'm a disappointment, insecure, worthless, a bad person, left out, unwanted & insignificant in a while until now. People truly have no idea just how they make me feel & the thoughts I'm having to contend with neither do I think they care to be honest. After all it's not their mind lost in thoughts & stuck in limbo is it? But I'm pretty sure they'd want things to be different if roles were reversed...
Love a not so happy Lottie xox
No comments:
Post a Comment